Working on your Marriage

With or without children, your marriage is something that you should hold sacred to your heart. Of course, when you have children with your spouse, this becomes incredibly more important. We all know that your marriage will never stay as perfect and right as it seemed on day one, and before you run from each other screaming divorce and communicating with one another via lawyers, here are some things you can do to bring back the flame that appears to be dying out.

Communicate with each other. This is often the cause, along with the solution. When you stop communication between each other, on any level, in any form, it begins to place a wall in front of you that is much harder to break down than it was to create. Always take time to discuss more than your daily life and plans; and make sure that you are discussing long term hopes, goals, dreams, needs, and desires. If you are not being met with the desired response, or the affect is much different than you had hoped, refer to point four below, and change your approach.

Never go to bed angry, or fight in your bedroom. The bedroom is your area with your spouse. Do not desecrate it with the bad vibes of anger, resentment or sadness. If you retreat there to bicker away from the children, change it. Go to the car, or wait until the children are sleeping and fight in the living room! Going to bed angry is bad for you on multiple levels. It leaves unsolved business at the end of your day to face you in the morning, may cause bad dreams, and is just not good for your health. Agree to disagree so the two of you can sleep peacefully, and handle it civilly the next day; or, stay up and work through it until the issue is solved.

Make time for each other. Just as you need time individually, and with your family, the two of you will need time alone together. Make this time happen. One weekend a month, get a sitter. One weekend a month, reserve for each of you to care for the children while the other goes out alone with friends, and the remaining weekend spend together as a family. This creates a sense of balance and equality that you need. If sitters are impossible, use the time you have together in the evenings after the children go to bed, or during the day while the children are at school to the fullest extent.

Learn and know when to back off. Do it when you have to. It’s easy to get fired up and to continue pushing buttons to escalate an argument rather than to stop it. Read your partners signals, and learn when enough is enough. Stop all communication until the two of you can be civil, and know your limitations. Learn to communicate those limitations to your spouse, and respect them equally.

Seek professional counseling. This one is met with resistance more often than not, but if you and your spouse need it, there is absolutely no shame in it. Going to counseling together is a sign that both of you are willing to make everything work, and that you are willing to take the help you can get. Remember that it is not permanent, and you may come away from it closer than you were before you started seeing the issues that brought you there in the first place.

No one is perfect. The most important thing to remember is your health, and safety, along with the health and safety of your family. If you are in a dangerous situation, by all means get out! However, if this is just one of those times that you know you and your spouse can work through, pour the effort you would otherwise spend tearing each other down, into building yourselves back up!

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