Mom is Not Here Right Now. Please Leave a Message.

So I was at the video store engaged in a conversation with the clerk about the advantages of joining their club. He shared some funny stories about his kids and joked about how many popcorn buckets I was buying. All in all a lovely conversation except for the awareness of something noisy and aggravating behind me in the far distance. Only I realized the annoyance was not in the distance, it was right behind me. Once I was fully tuned back in I realized it was my kids running wild in the video store.

Can you say you have never honestly been there? Never focused so hard on what you were trying to hear or do that became briefly unaware that your kids were present and going wild?

I remember before I had kids I would be appalled at what children got away with in public. How loud and rambunctious they were while mom seemed not to care. I realize now that what I mistook as uncaring and lack of courtesy was actually the glazed over gaze of a woman trying to survive.

I am glad to say that most of the time my kids are actually great. But when their wild mood comes at a time when I must get something accomplished, that is when I tune right out. Take the grocery store for instance. Early on I was very strict in the store. I tried to correct them on everything they touched and every inappropriate remark they made. The only thing I really accomplished was spending twice as much and forgetting half of what I needed, such was my lack of focus.

That’s when I came into possession of the gift. I had heard of the phenomenon before, the ability of a parent to tune out completely from the chaos behind her and carry on with her business as if she had not a distraction in the world. I have gotten so good at it that it is as if I exist on two different planes. I am not only tuned out and into the grocery zone and unaware of any noise around me, but I am shooshing the kids and periodically corralling them with my arm.

No amount of wishing or trying will bring it on. You just realize one day that you have acquired it, like when you’re at line at the video store trying to figure out if you rent enough movies to justify joining the club.

I know we all use the term “tune out” or its equivalent. But that time at the video store was the most aware I have ever been of it. Have you acquired your ability to tune out yet? What’s your number one place to tune out?

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It is difficult to be happy when everything is out of order. The house is a mess, life is hectic and days are flying by. We try to GET ORGANIZED and SET PRIORITIES but we don’t know where to start. So I ask you this. What is your main objective? I am sure your answer is some form of “a happy and healthy family.” And if so, you answered your own question. The only way to get the happiness and success in life that you desire is to focus first on family.

That sounds great except for two things
• Your boss doesn’t take “No” for an answer and there is always the chance that your job won’t be there for you if do not treat it right.
• Your family DOES take “No” for an answer and regardless how much you put them on the back burner, they will still be there for you. Waiting.

Now doesn’t that sound sad? Now I am not naïve enough to say that you should necessarily ease up at work or tell your boss to shove it for being demanding. That would make me a hypocrite. But what I do suggest is to make just one change on your daily to do list as well as your long term goal. Put your family in your number one slot.

Although there is a good chance that stepping back for a minute and reviewing your routine would provide opportunities to shift things around and make more balance, that is a more advanced step. What we are talking about right now is much more simple, one step strategy. The importance of everyone, regardless of work status or time spent at home, to start each day doing something nice for or with their family. Whether it be waking up fifteen minutes early to make pancakes and strawberries for breakfast or turning your phone off until everyone is off to school. These are small things that make a big impact on our families and send them off for the day feeling good. For you, the simple act of thinking of your family first thing when you wake up will set the pace for the day and keep family at the front of your mind as you make your choices throughout the day.

I just recently started doing this myself, inspired by an interview I saw with Dr. Wayne Dyer who starts each day with an act of kindness. I was blown away. Hubby has a commute gets up for work at 2 or 3 in the morning, depending on the day. So I made a habit of setting the coffee timer at night and setting a pretty table for him in the morning with his cereal bowl and variety of cereals before him. It sounds silly but it makes him happy in the morning and less lonely feeling at that hour. I have been struggling to come up with kind and loving things to say or do when I wake my kids up in the morning but beyond heart shaped pancakes and strawberries I seem to be stumped!

Anybody have any ideas?!

Here comes another large family! This time, it’s the Gosselin’s in Pennsylvania!

The Gosselin Family, I can identify with a bit more than the Duggars that I talked about a few weeks ago. This family had an oops with fertility drugs, and had eight children in two pregnancies. Talk about a shocker! I really love their show Jon and Kate plus 8.

Watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 gives me laughs, and helps me stay sane, just like any of the specials I see on the Duggars. Except, Kate, is much more like your typical mother… whereas Michelle Duggar seems just too happy to be alive!

Do you like Jon and Kate plus 8 and the Gosselin Family as much I do? What do you think?

Although my kids would have you believe that I need a minute or two on the naughty step that is not the kind of time out I have in mind. We are talking “time out from the situation” for just a short time.

Read this part in a breezy fashion: (Out loud or in your head. Your choice.)

Remember when you dreamed of getting married to the man of your dreams and spending every moment together? You’d wear a flowing white gown for him every day, watch for him to get home and greet him with open arms, a smooch, and his slippers. Then remember when you dreamed of you and Prince Charming having beautiful children together and cuddling up with the baby and you all frolicking in the grass as child becomes toddler. Remember how perfect you thought it would be?

Breezy tone ends here, replaced by a hint of hostility, as reality kicks back in:

What the heck happened? Where’s the frolicking and the cuddling? And why are those kids so noisy? What Sweetie? You drew a picture of me as a mermaid on your bedroom wall? You broke Dad’s watch case? Oh my gosh is that Frank’s Red Hot on my bone carpet? I’m sorry Hun I forgot to set the coffee timer for you last night. Oh. You drank the last Slim Fast this morning?! You think that makes us square?

Yeah, that’s more like it. Beautiful and loving in its own way, but not at all restful. Parents, we need time outs to recharge us and prepare us for the next batch of challenges. There is nothing to feel guilty about and it is the best thing for your whole family because you cannot instill love and happiness in your children if you are not abundant in it yourself. So get out and go do something.

The biggest challenge is finding a sitter, right? Here’s what we do… sometimes for time out time Hubby and I have to hop in the truck, throw the headphones on the kids to watch a movie while we get a Starbucks, drive around, and just talk about everything nothing. Hey! It works! I’d love to hear if you’ve got something better!

Boy, do my kids hate to do chores. So do I. But that explanation does not inspire them. You know what does? Information and a little excitement go a long way toward changing family attitudes and willingness to help.

As parents, we see the big picture. Build a career, do a good job, make money, and build a good life for the whole family to enjoy the opportunities that it presents. But seriously, that is just too big of a concept for our kids to grasp. It is also too boring to make it a lasting memory for next time chores come around.

Every family has a different big picture. My version goes something like this. Somehow it has already sunk into them that Dad’s income pays the bills and Mom’s money is for fun so I don’t have to include that when I am engaging my family in the big picture.

• Mom gets paid to write articles
• The more you help her out around the house the more writing assignments she can accept.
• The more assignments she completes the more money she makes.
• The more money she makes the more stuff we get to do in Orlando this summer.

At that point, depending on the mood, my kids might roll their eyes, as in, “we’ve heard this all before.” Now it is time to remind them how the reward feels. Before their eyes roll right out of their heads and they have a chance to insert the slightest negativity I go right into something like this, “Remember that time at Discovery Cove when we were snorkeling and you started screaming “Shark! Shark! Because you didn’t realize they were behind a window?” It engages them every time because they are good memories. That in itself is a reward for all of us to relive a moment together. Then they go on about their work in a good mood thinking about Sea World, rather than feeling like they have been sent off to work!

I stumbled onto this technique by mistake at the time that I was trying to start having a family game night. It seemed like work was always getting in the way. I found myself unable to ever say, “No” to an assignment because I just wasn’t getting the volume of work I wanted. Then I realized that it wasn’t that I couldn’t afford a night off to be with my family! It was that I wasn’t organized and at that point, I was doing everything on my own while Hubby and two kids sat back and “waited” for me to finish. That was definitely a “DUH!” moment!

I decided that I lost of big chunk of my work time in the mornings having to clean every room after I took the kids to school. I spent about 45 minutes every morning picking up pjs, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the bathrooms, putting up toys and making beds. I shared this with my family and we realized “together” that if everyone just picked up after themselves in the morning that would give me about three extra hours to work per week while everyone was gone, which would easily allow for taking an evening off to play with them! Everyone loved the idea. And game night is Wednesday!

The beauty of that situation is that the reward of that big picture was short term and the effort was minimal and specific. My family was able to see that the plan really does work so that when presented to them in other forms later they trust there will be some kind of pay off. Seriously, don’t we all perform better when we know what our reward will be?

It takes a lot of work and organization to run a business. The same goes for running a household. The task has become more complicated as parents each work more hours, the amount of kids homework has increased, and children take part in so many activities. It takes a lot to pull it all together. It’s a lot like running a business so write it down, get organized, and treat your household obligations the same as your work ones.

MANAGING THE STAFF
Sibling rivalry can get out of hand. Mom has to keep it under control and try to nurture a civil relationship between brothers and sisters.

DELEGATING
If Dad is working all day and Mom is working all day, who does the chores? Everybody. Mom divvies up the jobs and assigns them appropriately. Even Dad gets a chore list. Some great jobs for kids are maintaining the kitchen trash can, loading and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning bathroom mirrors and counter tops, dusting, and vacuuming. All easy stuff but they will grumble nonetheless. Delegating is not enough. The manager has to make sure it all gets done!

SCHEDULING
There are too many activities which need to be coordinated around Mom’s and Dad’s schedules. Here are just a few.
• Transportation needs to be arranged to get kids to and from school
• Play dates
• Sports and school activities
• Dentist and Doctor appointments for the family
• Holidays
• Outings

PROFIT SHARING AND BONUSES
No one is better at handing out rewards than Mom! Whether it is an ice cream sandwich after organizing the toys together in the garage or a trip to the movies just because, Mom is a great motivator.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING
Some companies have gotten creative lately and designed planner systems and date books that accommodate Mom’s work schedule and home schedule so that she can see everything expected of her at a glance. Writing everything down and keeping track of what needs to be done to keep your house running smoothly is what makes the difference between and over worked, stressed out Mom who’s struggling to stay afloat, and an over worked, less stressed and in control Mom who is on top of everything. Which one are you!?

My kids have changed from tyrants at dinner time to enjoyable, engaging little people. They have gone from vegetable protestors to salad dressing connoisseurs. I stuck to my guns, even when told I was being too tough, and the result is happier, healthier kids and a dinner time we all look forward to!

Let’s review what we know about kids and dinner time.

 •Kids, as well as adults, need more than pasta and meat to maintain a healthy and productive body.
•Kids hate vegetables and just about everything else that is good for them.
•Kids love sweets. Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s what dinner time was like for me. I love to cook and present food to my family. I believe in the family time and opportunity to bond. Every day I would cook something elaborate and arrange it beautifully on the table then call my family to the kitchen in anticipation of sharing a delicious meal and exchanging anecdotes, school gossip, and meaningful discussions. What actually happened was screams of protest the minute their beady little eyes spotted something green on the table.

Let’s discuss the signs of disapproval.

• ”Oh no. I am not eating that!”
• Child’s eyes rolling back and nearly falling out of head.
• A pile of corn kernels found stuffed under the cushion of dear child’s chair.I started each dinner time with high hopes and a smile and ended up yelling and threatening and assigning punishments. It really was miserable. My husband would tell me to let it go. Family members would defend my kids by saying, “Well they just don’t like it. What are you going to do?”

Here’s what I did.

• I explained to my kids that eating the healthy stuff served them was necessary to keeping their bodies healthy and providing them with the energy to do the fun things they love, and was therefore inflexible.
• I explained to them, and remained consistent, that regardless of what tantrum they threw, I would win.
• I made a deal that they try and eat everything at least once in exchange for my word to not again serve what they truly detested.
• I began serving a small dessert of ice cream or sweetened fruit as a reward.

 Guess what happened!

Dinner time became an adventure. The kids looked so forward to their dessert that their attitudes about the vegetables improved. They found that there were some really delicious healthy things available to them and that their bodies felt better and their digestive process was less uncomfortable. We experimented foods together and critiqued things as a group. Now our dinner time is spent laughing more than anything else and we have incredible conversations. 
 

Our staples include…

 • Kraft has some amazing new salad dressings and I brought home 6 of them for us to taste test. Ranch, of course, was a contender, but the family favorite hands down is Tuscan House. The crunchier and full of texture the salad, the more the kids enjoy it.
• Broccoli with warm Velveeta drizzled over it.
• Canned carrots cooked with cinnamon, honey, and brown sugar.
• Sliced cucumbers, grape tomatoes, and celery.

It is tough sometimes to be a parent trying to accomplish something with your kids that others may not support. But if you have picky eaters I urge you to try something like this in your own family. The bonus is not simply the inclusion of vegetables in their diets but the enthusiasm to try new foods whether out at a restaurant or having dinner with friends. Once you get past their resistance, you will see them change into more confident, well rounded children.

What’s Next?   Inspired (disgusted, out raged, broken hearted) by the current best seller SKINNY BITCH, I ordered my vegetarian start up kit today. Watch for updates and recipes coming soon!  Wish us luck!

I’ll be honest. I am more of a spoiled acting, ill tempered, short on patience bawl bag now that I have kids than I EVER was as a formerly kind, gentle, patient and cheerful only child. I am worn out. A friend and I were discussing being crazy the other day and admitted that I would be convinced that I have crossed over except that I am AWARE of it, and I am not sure if crazy is aware of crazy. She told me that what is making me crazy is that I expected parenthood to make me a grown up.

Hmph. I dated my husband for eleven years and this June will be our ninth wedding anniversary on top of that. I believe he has that gene that has caused him to decrease in age. Quite a contrast from my own wisdom and maturity. He had the nerve to one day announce that he felt like he was raising three children! I hit him on top of the head with the fly swatter and stormed off to my room with my hand held Mario brothers game, I was so flabbergasted.As a single, only child, living alone in my apartment I was very healthy and very wise. Oh yes. I was wise. I meditated every day, minded my karma, and kept my aura bright and clean. Not too hard to do when there is nobody or nothing around to challenge you! Looking back I would say that my first signs of regression may have appeared when Hubby and I first got married. I experienced for the first time something that I can only describe as “not getting my way”. Do you know what I mean by that?

Hey Ladies! Have you done your workout yet today? No? Then quit reading right now and pound that treadmill. I’ll meet you back here in 30!  Otherwise you will have a less fabulous and less than productive day. Here are the top ten reasons for taking care of yourself and the top ten ill effects of not.BENEFITS OF BEING FIT, HEALTHY, AND NOT IGNORED
• Better sleep and earlier to rise which adds more valuable hours to your day
• More energy to avoid crashing in the afternoon, interfering with the day’s obligations.
• Less aches and pains, increased strength and flexibility
• Happier
• Increased swimsuit confidence to enjoy beach and water parks with kids
• Clear skin and more youthful appearance
• More focused on the many tasks to be completed at work and at home
• Being a healthy role model for your kids
• Feeling sexy and improved relationship with spouse
• People respect you when YOU respect you

As parents we often feel guilty to put our needs above anyone else’s, when, in fact, the best way we can take care of those around us and meet all their needs IS to first meet our own needs so we have the power and resources to take care of everyone else.  So what will it be today… Turbo Jam?  Or Hip Hop Abs?

I cannot believe that I am here.  I especially cannot believe that you are here reading this!  You know, it has been a dream of mine to write when I grew up.  I wanted to write novels and I wanted to have my own column in the newspaper.  (There was no internet when I was planning my life back then!)  Well as we all know, life happens.  Sometimes the best laid out plans go south.  Instead of writing a best seller I got comfy at my desk jobs and went down that path. 

How about you?  Are you on the path you planned all those years ago?  If you’re not, it’s not too late!

At a very young age I decided on and believed wholeheartedly in 4 things.

• I was too shy for a wedding and eloping was the way to go for me.
• There were too many kids in the world without parents and I was going to give some of them a home one day.
• I would be a writer. 
• Women in their 40s are beautiful and smart and I couldn’t wait to get there. (this one actually developed in my 20s when the stress and chaos of the real world started kicking in)

That was it.  A pretty simple plan.  I am not aware that I took conscious steps at the time to get there, but I truly did believe in all those things so maybe I went on autopilot!

• I eloped when I was 31.
• I adopted Sari 3, and Drew 7, when I was 35.
• I am turning 40 this December, I’ve started writing again, and for the first time I see the future before me that I dreamed was possible all those years ago. 

I didn’t even realize I was actively checking the big things off my life list until recently when I was feeling sorry for myself and counting my misfortunes, when I realized all my blessings. I am now a wife, a mom, a writer, and hopefully approaching a calm and wise 40. I snapped out of it and went after life again.  That’s what this blog is about for me.  Going after life.

Let’s go after it together, shall we?  

What’s that one thing you haven’t accomplished yet?