The Back Talk Smack Down

Back talk and raised voices are two huge issues in our house.  Of course they are.  Our bonds are as much built around humor and sarcasm as love and kisses.  It started early on when the kids had a lot of anger and fear and we used jokes to calm down elevating situations.  It evolved into our own family circus act presented daily in our living room.  But now, it is difficult to separate the innocent jabs from biting remarks.  For the past few weeks I have been experimenting with some back talking strategies and I am already noticing some small changes.

I had noticed, with regard to myself, that I respond in a pretty juvenile way, to my kids’ back talk.  It only engages them to continue to fire away.   Also, regardless of the manner in which I respond, my direction is convoluted and unclear.  My point gets lost among all the words and the squawking.

Somewhere along my short parenting path, (probably watching Supernanny!) I remembered the importance of dealing with behavior issues on the spot, and being clear and direct.

So whereas I might otherwise have let back talk go ignored until the moment was more convenient for me to address, I have been stopping at the very moment and dealing with the situation.

I also have nipped my lengthy lectures down to simply identify the rude remarks and offer a more appropriate choice of words.  “Sari, when you yelled at me and said, “I already told you once I am combing my hair!” it was rude and disrespectful.

The most childish thing I found myself doing was actually acting just like the kids!. When they didn’t respond to  my friendly nudges and instead continued the behavior I let myself be engaged in the hostile wordplay.  I shrugged my shoulders, stared them down with daggers in my eyes, and delivered the most dramatic heavy sighs you can imagine.  How old am I!?
Of course when I simply do not react, the situation quickly dissolves on its own.  Children want reactions but the key is to focus on the positive ones, not the negative.  I have made a habit of saying something like, “Okay.  This communication is not working.  When you are ready to speak to me respectfully, I will be in the kitchen.”

I am not trying to paint a false image of perfection here, let me be clear!  I want to scream at the top of my lungs and use my most colorful language to make my very important point.  BUT I know there will be no point heard in that scenario and just just gives more reason for disrespect, especially as the kids get older.  Hence, the “walking away” (before I get too riled up and act the fool) technique. :-)  Guess what… it is working!

Buuuuut sometimes it doesn’t.  Sometimes they are just little stink pots who must get in the last word, show off their skilz, and feel like the boss.  That’s when I bring out my dear friend, “Consequence”.  I started out just making them repeat their statement with more appropriate words, tone, and a smile.  Sometimes it worked but often was accompanied by a sneer or rolling eyes.  Oh no no no no. So I started requiring multiple repeats of the appropriate statement.  Ten times is usally good, but sometimes it takes twenty before I hear a nice steady stream pleasant sounding words.

So that’s my straight talk on back talk.  Any other ideas?

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When you were blessed with a  great Mom who gave everything she had to make sure you had everything you needed, how do you learn to call someone else “Mom”?

<<Sigh>> Well it was this Monday in October of 1996 that I received the early morning call that Mom had passed away.  Actually, the phone call only said that she was in the hospital having suffered a heart attack.  This was a shock because at 49 she was in such good health.  I practiced my “this is your warning, you are done smoking now” lecture while packing my bag for the 2 hour ride and expected long day of waiting at the hospital. I didn’t get to give my lecture, though.  She was already gone. Mama S had left the building.  And this earth.  That’s all I can say about that right now, except to make the point that she was a remarkable vibrant woman who spent her time as my Mother filling my life with joy and making sure that every little spot in my heart was stuffed with love at all times.

So a loss like that takes a toll.  You aren’t necessarily even aware of that constant source of love vibes flowing your way until it stops.  Now what?

Well, you wake up and you move on.  That’s what me and Dad did.  I mean seriously, as thick as I just laid it on about my Mom, my Dad’s love and compassion is equal to, if not even greater.  Definitely gushier. I may not have been able to enjoy my parents for as many years as a lot of other people, but there was at least TWO lifetimes worth of love and joy crammed into our 27 years together.  We didn’t know what the future held, but Dad and I acknowledged how fortunate we were to have her for any amount of time, and soldiered on. I have to stop for a second here and check on my Dad.  You alright Macho Man?

Enter: The “Step Mom”.  Things were a blur for about the first year and I never got around to connecting the dots once I came back to the planet, but at some point Dad met M, and there was just “something about M” that he liked.  They dated quietly for a little while, sneaking around and acting irresponsibly.  Even though I had moved back home I never met her.  Which was fine, I mean, the change in my Dad since meeting her was amazing and wonderful.  He’d gone from a lump of sadness and depression and constant source of worry for me, to a born again teenager and constant source of irritation to me.  So even though I wasn’t thrilled about another woman, I was overjoyed in his happiness. I better take a second here to check in on Lady M… am I in trouble for not giving you a heads up?

Here’s the thing about M.   She had lost her Hubby one sad month before Dad lost Mama S.  They were two train wrecks helping each other back on track.  Whereas Dad just had me to break the news to, M had three protective sons, Moe, Larry, and Curly,  each grieving in their own ways.  No wonder they were keeping things on the down low!

When the day finally came to meet M I was nervous for me and her and excited for Dad.   (Shout out to Dr. Cousin K, ballroom dancer and hamster veterinarian extraordinaire for accompanying me to the big meeting.)  My goal was to be friendly and give my blessing, I had no intention of forming opinions, investing energy, or falling in love.  Guess what happened??? The first person to guess right gets a an autographed copy of my book when it’s finished.  As soon as I start it.  

Oh yeah.  Loved her from the moment she walked in the door smiling big and a little bit shaking.  I should have hated her because she was so tiny and cute.  Mom and I were able to share clothes sometimes.  The only thing this lovely M lady and I were going to be able to share was… EEEEEK!  My Dad!  She wasn’t a ho!  She had no agenda!  She was precious and we were all drawn to her!  That was horrible… because that meant she was sticking around.  Let the rollercoaster ride of emotion begin.  Cue the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  

Despite my adoration for Lady M, I had my eyes on her.  Surely she would slip some time and show her true self.   After a few months I got bored with being suspicious.  It was more fun just being with her and falling more in love.  By the end of 1998 Dad and Lady M were engaged.  This was fantastic news but there could have been a better time to share the news with me than on my 30th birthday.  I mean, HELLO!  Happy for you but I am turning 30 today!  Still not married!  I made you nachos so you could at least let me bask in the fact that I was aging rapidly and turning into a spinster before you flashed your big rock in front of me.  I’m just saying.

So that one misstep aside, (totally stretching that for silly affect, by the way, to give Dad and Lady M a chance to get tissues and recover from the first parts of this post), Lady M turned out to be an amazing and much needed addition to our family.  She really was the angel that mended our little broken family.

Our families have blended, like the Brady Bunch except the kids were teenagers and adults and there are only 4 of us.  But here is where the problem for me lies. And I bet there are others who have struggled with this same issue.

I already had a great Mom.  I called her “Mom”, “Mama”, “Mumma”, “Mother”, “Mommy”, “Ma”, and “Looney”.  All the great maternal names have already been taken.  Can I possibly consider calling Lady M one of those names?

Well she certainly deserves it and I overwhelmingly feel it.  In my mind I call Lady M “Ma”.  But when I try to say it out loud it feels like a betrayal to my Mother.  When I introduce her to people or talk about Lady M, though, I can’t stomach to call her my “Step Mom” because the connotation doesn’t suit her.   I don’t use the “step” to describe my new brothers, so it should be natural to let the “moms” flow with regards to her.  Instead I just call her “Lady M”.  (not really.  That’d be weird.  You know her name’s not Lady M, right? But you know what I mean).  But as we’ve become closer over the years “Lady M” is just not special enough, you know?

So here I am, 12 years later, almost 40 years old, still struggling with what to call my Step Mom.   So apparently not EVERYTHING gets better with time.  Considering I spent the day yesterday unexplainably crying in and out, having not paid attention to the date, it is clear that there is still some healing going on inside.  I would agree with saying time soothes the pain but it doesn’t necessarily mend the wounds.  We need our Family and Friends for the mending and I cannot imagine what things would be like today if I hadn’t been blessed with my Mama M.

Tell us about your experiences with step family and what you call them.  EXCEPT YOU EB!  Your descriptions will not pass the censors! XO

Right about here is where I usually give a short shout to the artist whose image I snagged from Flickr.com.  But this Artist and WAHM of 2 has a collection of the most precious art I have seen and I want to make sure you notice her link.  Her sweet whimsy appeals precisely to me and fits what I am feeling as I write this post. Please check her out at Sweet Imaginations.

 

Okay, I admit right up front that I have not read the book but I am giving it the highest  endorsement there is.  Here’s why.

Whenever my bean pole 12 year old-video game addicted-have-to-lure-him-with-slim jims-to get him outside to get exercise-Son comes home from school yelling, “Mom we have to go to the bookstore toDAY…” Whatever book instigated that passion gets a thumbs up from me!

In case you don’t know BRISINGR is the highly anticipated third book from the INHERITANCE series by Christopher Paolini, who started writing his first book, ERAGON, when he was only 15 years old.  I love to hear this kind of stuff!

BRISINGR will join ERAGON and ELDEST on my Son’s bookshelf this weekend.  These books are not skinny books.  They are big fat “juicy” books (as my kids say) filled with flying dragons and elves and dwarves and battles and tyranny and just so much ADVENTURE!  As thick as it is, though, I will be surprised if my Son doesn’t have it completed by the time he goes back to school on Monday.

So run out and get it if you haven’t already gotten it for your fans of fantasy and science fiction.  Amazon has the best price, of course, at $15.13 and it IS eligible for AMAZON PRIME which means you will get free 2 day shipping if you are a member.  Here’s the link if you want information on AMAZON PRIME.  You might as well start thinking about it because you only have 82 shopping days til Christmas!

Any other Paolini fans out there?  Any parents who have read the books? I read ERAGON.  It was very good but didn’t engage me like Harry Potter… I guess I prefer witches to dragons

There is so much good stuff that comes in to my blog carnival but every once in a while one hits me so close and personal that it stops me dead in my tracks.   “Childhood Drips” is one of them.  I identified with it and was moved to contact the author immediately and thank her for the article.  Here is a snippet.

I’m not the only person who has these images of how things should look: A desk drawer, a closet, a car interior, a wallet, an outfit. “There’s a place for everything and life is not right unless everything is in its place!”With that picture and that mindset (that one’s home, or one’s things, or one’s office reflects on who one is) comes anxiety. What if someone catches me with something out of place? What if I go to get something and it isn’t there? What does it mean about me if I can’t keep it all together and just right? continue reading here.

I receive all the Blog Carnival submissions by email.  I read almost everyone of them and they are all so good!  I know nobody has time to sit down one day and read every article in the carnival, but if you like digesting a small piece of information at a time, I recommend you stop in and read just one per day.

Thanks Jodi C. for the flickr pic!

As usual I have received the most amazing collection for the October Issue of our Blog Carnival!  I don’t think we have any Seasonal  themed entries so I dropped a Halloween photo in.  To be honest, though, life with this Anti Donny & Marie Duo is scary enough WITHOUT the costumes.  MuAhHaHa!

Welcome to the October 7, 2008 edition of everything family.

Edith presents BizTechDay - Use Technology to Grow Your Business, Saturday October 25 San Francisco posted at BIZtechDay.

jason saifman presents 6 Tips for Success in School | posted at Colleen Palat.

Matt M presents SanDisk Film Festival Contest posted at The Pet Haven, saying, “A contest any family can enter”

Dads

Jeremy Neal presents Depression Sucks - One Dad Shares his Story posted at Discovering Dad.

Family

Kevin presents Kids Need to Learn Stress Relief, Too posted at More4kids.

Indian presents 5 Marriage Compatibility Essentials posted at DecisionCare, saying, “Marriage Compatibility is viewed essential for happy marriage life. There are five essentials that every love match and soul mate must know and follow.”

GP presents Right Neighborly of You posted at Innstyle Montana- Come on Inn, saying, “Downright neighborly experience here.”

Laura Kelly presents The Learning Race posted at Wild Parenting, saying, “A guest contributor has written a fantastic piece about fear-based early education choices.

Thanks,
Laura Kelly
editor, wildparenting.com
Where the Wild Parents Are”

Mother Hen presents Day 1 posted at Mother Hen.

Alex Smith presents How to Make Use of Dummy Surveillance Cameras posted at TBO-TECH.

Alex Smith presents Shopping Tips for Child Guard Monitors posted at TBO-TECH.

beinwonder presents Childhood Drips: Bring Your Own Wetwipes posted at Be in Wonder.

Katey Magill presents Old Fashioned Taffy Pull posted at Having Fun at Home, saying, “Find out how to host an old fashioned taffy pull at your child’s next slumber party.”

Lena Santos presents Pinay Mom Blogs!…and LIFE goes on for a Filipino Mom..: My Kids Are Square! posted at And Life Goes On for a Filipino Mom, saying, “a short post regarding my children’s “squareness”"

First Lady Of Poker presents Saving Money on Electricity posted at Shopping and Poker Blog, saying, “With rising energy costs, saving money on electricity has never been more important.”

Alex Smith presents A Nice Reminder on How to Take Care in Using Bear Sprays posted at TBO-TECH.

Kelly Sonora presents 50 Divorce Blogs to Find Advice and Comfort in Hard Times posted at Soul Mating.

Alex Smith presents Understanding the Different Types of Pepper Sprays posted at TBO-TECH.

Alex Smith presents Electronic Restraining Devices, Which Self-Defense Weapon is for You? posted at TBO-TECH.

Moms

Tiffany presents Living as Mom: Real Jobs Real Money…Working from Home posted at Living as Mom, saying, “Rather it be with techniques, ideas, or perhaps one of my favorite “stretching the dollar”. I love to share things that simplifies my life!”

Cathy Ley presents Where’s Your Mama? : Tips for Moms & Baby Websites posted at Tips for Moms & Baby Websites.

Other

Fiona Lohrenz presents Day Care Licensing And Certification - What You Need To Know posted at Child Care Only.

Deb Serani presents Nipping Nosy Nelly posted at Dr. Deb, saying, “This post highlights how to deal with nosy people.”

Ms. Smarty Pants presents Review: Hoover WindTunnel Upright Vacuum Cleaner posted at Ms. Smarty Pants Know It All, saying, “I love my new vacuum cleaner.”

Judy Garland presents Baby Monitor Buying Guide posted at Baby Monitor Reviews, saying, “for new born baby”

Aparna presents Caring for your neck and some awesome neck-exercises posted at Beauty and Personality Grooming.

Woman Tribune presents FurReal Friends My Lovin Pup posted at Woman Tribune.

Womanist Musings presents Spare The Rod posted at Womanist Musings, saying, “I believe that disciplining children is very important but how we do it is something of equal importance.”

Alex Smith presents Buying a Surveillance Camera posted at TBO-TECH.

Fiona Lohrenz presents Daycare menus posted at Child Care Only.

Nursery Admin presents Working as a Pediatric Clinical Nurse posted at Nursery Jobs, saying, “As more children suffer from obesity, stress, hypertension, diabetes and other medical conditions, there’s an increasing need for medical attention for this demographic.”

GP presents So How do you View the World posted at Manely Montana Memories, saying, “Change your life.. by changing your viewpoint”

Parenting

Metaliphe presents Money Issues = Relationship Issues posted at Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach, saying, “Are money issues ruining your relationship? If you have to ask your partner for whatever money you want or report how much you have spent or if you don’t really know the details of your finances, learn what it takes to become equal partners in money matters.”

Abby Freedman presents It’s not skimping! posted at i pick up pennies, saying, “It’s time to put the brakes on overindulgence — for our children’s good.”

Concerning Kids presents Child Obesity posted at Concerning Kids.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of everything family using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags: everything family, blog carnival.

You guys, my server is driving me nuts.  Of course I didn’t know that my server was to blame for the sluggishness and slow loading of my web pages until this morning.  But now that I have been informed, I have a place to direct my irritation.  It has been difficult for me to post regularly because sometimes I cannot get on and sometimes it is so slow and my patience is tested.  Right now is one of those times.  But rather than walk away and miss another day of posting I am going to keep my banter brief and share with you a video of an amazing 8 year old girl on Ellen last week.

As you know I am crazy about Ellen!  Even on the bluest or most challenging day I know that I am guaranteed at least one drop of pure sunshine to bring me back from the dark side.  This little girl from New Orleans is one of the most fun interviews I have ever seen (when she says “my time will come” I thought I’d pee my pants) and while she’s singing you can’t help but smile.

Yesterday I talked about Felicia Jackson and what an inspiration she is to anyone who has felt challenged.  Today I bring you Tione Johnson- her blend of confidence, boldness, and graciousness make her a role model and inspiration for our children that they can do anything.

Thanks for hanging in the last couple weeks if you have been having problems getting here.  We are working on the problems so make sure you come back soon!