The Back Talk Smack Down

Back talk and raised voices are two huge issues in our house.  Of course they are.  Our bonds are as much built around humor and sarcasm as love and kisses.  It started early on when the kids had a lot of anger and fear and we used jokes to calm down elevating situations.  It evolved into our own family circus act presented daily in our living room.  But now, it is difficult to separate the innocent jabs from biting remarks.  For the past few weeks I have been experimenting with some back talking strategies and I am already noticing some small changes.

I had noticed, with regard to myself, that I respond in a pretty juvenile way, to my kids’ back talk.  It only engages them to continue to fire away.   Also, regardless of the manner in which I respond, my direction is convoluted and unclear.  My point gets lost among all the words and the squawking.

Somewhere along my short parenting path, (probably watching Supernanny!) I remembered the importance of dealing with behavior issues on the spot, and being clear and direct.

So whereas I might otherwise have let back talk go ignored until the moment was more convenient for me to address, I have been stopping at the very moment and dealing with the situation.

I also have nipped my lengthy lectures down to simply identify the rude remarks and offer a more appropriate choice of words.  “Sari, when you yelled at me and said, “I already told you once I am combing my hair!” it was rude and disrespectful.

The most childish thing I found myself doing was actually acting just like the kids!. When they didn’t respond to  my friendly nudges and instead continued the behavior I let myself be engaged in the hostile wordplay.  I shrugged my shoulders, stared them down with daggers in my eyes, and delivered the most dramatic heavy sighs you can imagine.  How old am I!?
Of course when I simply do not react, the situation quickly dissolves on its own.  Children want reactions but the key is to focus on the positive ones, not the negative.  I have made a habit of saying something like, “Okay.  This communication is not working.  When you are ready to speak to me respectfully, I will be in the kitchen.”

I am not trying to paint a false image of perfection here, let me be clear!  I want to scream at the top of my lungs and use my most colorful language to make my very important point.  BUT I know there will be no point heard in that scenario and just just gives more reason for disrespect, especially as the kids get older.  Hence, the “walking away” (before I get too riled up and act the fool) technique. :-)  Guess what… it is working!

Buuuuut sometimes it doesn’t.  Sometimes they are just little stink pots who must get in the last word, show off their skilz, and feel like the boss.  That’s when I bring out my dear friend, “Consequence”.  I started out just making them repeat their statement with more appropriate words, tone, and a smile.  Sometimes it worked but often was accompanied by a sneer or rolling eyes.  Oh no no no no. So I started requiring multiple repeats of the appropriate statement.  Ten times is usally good, but sometimes it takes twenty before I hear a nice steady stream pleasant sounding words.

So that’s my straight talk on back talk.  Any other ideas?