Things to do at My Funeral when I’m Dead

(Note to my parents:  I know you think I am macabre at times, but this title was inspired by a movie called “Things to do in Denver when You’re Dead.”  I was shooting for “clever” not “upsetting.” K? xoxo)

We’re taking a whimsical look at death and funerals today at Her Family Blog.  It’s a subject you may not like, but we cannot escape it.  We mourn lost loved ones every day and one day they will mourn us.  Regardless of your faith or after life beliefs, we all will one day draw our last physical breath on this earth.  I move that we all participate in the biggest collective  paradigm shift ever and just decide that death is okay and funerals are fun.  I think Dr. Dyer and Stephen Covey would both approve.

I have an amazing free spirited friend named Leslie* (name not changed to protect the innocent because she is far from innocent and I think would like the shout out) :-)  She asked me today if it would be appropriate to go barefoot to her friend’s funeral.  How would you have answered that question?

Considering funerals are a somber, dignified occasion at which to pay your respects to the recently deceased before you say goodbye and send them off, it may not seem “respectful” to show up without your shoes.  If that is what you were thinking, shame on you!  Leslie’s friend was a huge fan of being barefoot. It would be disrespectful to mandate shoes at her funeral.  I hope they bury her without any shoes, in fact.  If we are talking about being “respectful” and honoring the deceased, why should the big send off be orchestrated according to “the norm” or following any society standards?  If she loved being barefoot so much why should she have to enter the great unknown wearing foot covering when you know given the choice, she’d go barefoot?

So I advised Leslie to forget what’s appropriate and leave her shoes at home.  Then it got me thinking about my own funeral.  Yesterday when I was talking to her Leslie was making vegetable pizza to take for folks to eat after the service.  I really like vegetable pizza and have made it for many occasions that I hosted.  I hope she brings it to my funeral.  I should ask her ahead of time.  What else would I like?

• Please bury me in black.  Not because it’s funeraly, but because I still want to take advantage of its slimming affect.  It’s the last time you’ll see me and I want to look hot.  Even though I will hopefully be 110.
• I love my Tiffany’s necklace, but don’t bury me in it.  No jewelry or anything of material value at all please.  In fact, if any of my girlie treasures end up in any hands other than my daughter or nieces, I will come back to make it right.
• If you like black, you can wear it too.  Vamp it up, even, think of it as a cocktail party or New Year’s Eve event.  But if you prefer another color, such as lime green like the color of your VW bug, you better wear it.  You know who you are.  Just please, regardless of your color palette, no one upstage me.  It’s MY funeral, not yours.
• If you must send me off from a church, go ahead.  I’ll give you that one.  I acknowledge that you will be grieving and in need of comfort so if you can find one that will take me and permit my wishes, you have my blessing.
• No preaching.  You can do that on Sunday.  Take turns telling kind, loving, funny stories about me.  I love to hear about myself so that will be the best way to honor me.  Make sure someone says a comforting prayer, though, for all the peeps in attendance who miss me.
• My song list may change between now and the big day, but these are non negotiable and should be the only somber times of the event as I give my last lecture.  In honor of me, you have to let me have the last word with these tunes.

1. IF I CAN DREAM (Elvis) My all time fave.  Listen to it, learn it, live it.
2. PURPLE RAIN (Prince) My grand apology for every mistake I made.  They were born of the the best intentions.
3. THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND (Madonna) My reflective moment as I say goodbye.
4. AS I LAY  ME DOWN (Sophie B. Hawkins) For some reason reminds me of Mama Shirl and chokes me up on the rare occasion I hear it.  May it have the same affect on you.

• Those most affected by my passing at the time of the occurrence get to plan the wake.  Make it as long as you like and  make it fun.  My Moms wake was so  much fun for me,  hugging and visiting with so many people I hadn’t seen in ages.  The energy was amazing.  So make sure you take advantage of the occasion to catch up with people you love.  I will love watching that.
• No cell phones, netbooks, or pdas allowed.  I love texting as much as the next gal but I would like your undivided attention just this once.  You can Facebook and Twitter my funeral party later.   On second thought… Twittering the whole shin dig would be cool!
• This is most important.  It’s okay to cry all you need to, but make sure you laugh more and leave feeling good, however you need to accomplish it.
• Instead of having a big dinner afterward, please rent a hall or something, get a dj and have a big party, like a wedding reception.  In fact, plan the whole day accordingly and dance til midnight.  Or dawn.  Play cards. Eat veggie pizza, bowtie caesar pasta,  and cheesy potatoes.  Nobody gets to watch their carbs at my funeral.  Another non negotiable thing.

So that’s it for my funeral.  You are almost looking forward to it, right?  My point is, why does a funeral have to be stuffy and sad?  And why do rules have to be followed that allegedly honor the deceased?  The best thing you can do to honor your passing loved ones is to stay true to you and them.  As a daughter saying goodbye to her mother it lifted my spirits to the heavens to watch my Aunts sneaking make up and hair supplies into the wake to fix Mom’s hair and face to be more true to her.  And the few people who had the boldness to drop quarters in her casket and into the ground at the burial… I knew how much they loved her and shared her joy of the slots.  I hope my loved ones honor me in the most kind, loving, unconventional and inappropriate ways that they know I would appreciate.

Well?  What do you think?  Would you now advise Leslie to go barefoot to her friend’s funeral?  Or are you still a supporter of convential mourning?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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My brother is getting married this week and everyone’s on a diet.  It’s understandable that since the bride will be the center of attention on display in front of scads of people that she would want to look her best with her waist cinched as tightly as possible.  But what is it with everyone else?

No one wants to take attention from the bride on her wedding day, of course, but I guess we all want to make our matrimony bound brothers, sisters, and children proud of us.  We want to look good FOR them.  We want their wedding pictures to be beautiful.  So we research diet pills that work, we starve ourselves, avoid carbs, and do butt squeezes in the car on the way to and from work.  Every little bit helps.  But would you believe there are places where the weight loss wedding tradition is the exact opposite?

Take a look at your map across the Atlantic ocean from the bottom tip of Florida almost straight across to the edge of Africa.  There you will find a place called Mauritania where the fanatical measures taken to fatten future brides for their husbands makes the wedding day weight loss obsession in America a non issue.

In earlier days of Mauritania a man’s worth was judged by the size of his wife.  The idea being that rich men have servants doing everything while his wife sits still.  The richer the man, the more sedentary his wife and the more weight she gained.  This is a nightmare scenario to many men in America, and a stereotype they like to nurture, of wives home watching tv, eating bon bons and spending all the money while they are away at work each day.  Apparently an American man’s nightmare is a an African man’s dream come true.

Here’s the problem though.  Whereas the wives originally became obese while sitting around all day living luxuriously in her husband’s riches, men in Mauritania do not want to “earn” their “trophy wife”.  They want her fat right from the start, and she and her obesity are used to give the impression that her husband is wealthy and successful. Why in the world would any woman agree to this?

They don’t.  As early as 5 years old little girls are being tortured into eating until they puke, and then they are made to eat the vomit as well.  They have sticks stuck into their toes and pulled together to cause severe pain when they refuse to swallow.  Their own mothers and aunts are force feeding them  butter and millet and camel’s milk in large quantities to the point of sickness, an rolling sticks down the girl’s thighs in efforts to break down the tissue and speed up the fat development.  I would ask if you have ever heard of anything so cruel and disgusting but sadly we all know the answer would be “yes… and then some.”

What these poor girls and women face in other places around the globe is a travesty and if  nothing else we need to raise awareness here in the United States and stop turning a blind eye with the excuse, “we have people suffering right here in America”.  I agree with that sentiment on many counts.  But that doesn’t mean we should pretend other’s suffering doesn’t exist.  The least we can do is acknowledge their pain.

So brides, be grateful that we are solely responsible for what we do and how we look on our special day.  It’s a big beautiful special day and you get to enjoy every minute of it.

k on that special day.

Being a reality tv junkie, when I first think of drug rehab I think of spoiled celebrities being pampered and detoxed at the same time, after over partying and living like rock stars.  That’s not always the case though, is it?

There are also regular folks like you and me and our siblings and our children.  Sometimes all it takes is one bad choice to land a person on a road they never thought they would travel.  Popping that first pill at a party rarely ends with that one evening of elevated “fun”.  Rather a desire for another will pop up at the next occasion.  Each time it will be easier to say, “yes.”  Ultimately, that one pill taken for no reason other than to fit in or feel silly could lead to harder substances and eventually addiction. Although the bad decisions a person makes once the substances take hold of him/her will compound, is it really fair to judge them for mistakes made under the influence?  Can we all honestly say that we never felt the insecurity or desperation to fit in?  Thankfully there was some unknown factor that aided in our good decision to just say, “no”.  But what if there is some biological or mental presence that actually made a person say, “sure I’ll have some.”

Although it’s convenient for us to dismiss substance abusers as losers and idiots so that we don’t have to feel for them, it really doesn’t cover the scope of drug rehab patients.  Physical and mental pain are big contributors to drug and alcohol abuse.  Often the drugs are not simply taken to have a good time, but to dull that pain.  It is for that reason that we are seeing treatment centers that treat the whole person, not just the substance abuse.

Holistic drug rehab centers in particular understand that the peer pressure, the insecurity, the pain, and other existing conditions all connect and that just doing detox is not going to cure the addiction.  If you have a loved one who has fallen down the road to addiction, chances are they have tried to clean up more than once.  But if they are not getting treatment for their underlying conditions, they can’t be fully blamed for for their failure.

For many users,  their addiction began with depression, grief, mental conditions, and physical pain, and they fought the good fight for as long as they could.  If you have never suffered any of these things, consider giving thanks for your blessings, rathger than judging others for the mistakes they make because of it.

I hope that understanding the existence of underlying causes of drug and alcohol addiction will raise awareness and sensitivity to people who are harshly judged and often passed over for help.  In fact, I see no good reason to criticize anyone who’s struggling with a challenge, do you?

This is our off year as far as big vacations go.  We went to Universal Studios last year so this year’s summer itinerary will consist of closer to home, more budget friendly activities.  Such would likely be the case even if it was not our off year.  Less families are able to take the big vacations this year thanks to our tightened belts and empty wallets, many instead opting for the STAYcation.  But if your summer plans are big enough to include a hotel room and maybe even airfare, I have some money saving vacation tips for you.

The best of our Orlando Vacations was a fluke.  We splurged, didn’t plan, and had the best time of our lives.  It was also the cheapest.  We didn’t realize how much money our “splurge” actually saved us until each year after when our vacation spending seemed to more than double.

THE KITCHENETTE

The secret vacation saver for us is the hotel room.  We have found that by spending the extra money on accommodations with a kitchenette we save a ton of money on food.  It might be hard to see the savings up front when you are planning because your original investment will be higher.  But, especially when you have kids, you are nickel and dimed all day and night for a week on park food that is outrageously priced and most times not satisfying.  In the end, the amount of money spent on your vacation turns out to be much higher, for much less.

A room with some sort of kitchen offers not only the opportunity to save money, but more personalized choices and a better feeling tummy at the end of the day.  I’m not talking about cooking big dinners, necessarily, but having juice, milk, sandwiches, and snacks on hand to feed your elevated appetites and keep your body satisfied and fueled for long days of non stop activity.

GROCERY SERVICE

In addition to the kitchenette, we try to find a hotel with a shopping service.  We leave a grocery list at the front desk on our way out and when we come back the fridge and cupboards are filled.  The shoppers use the local grocery store, not a convenience store, and even search for the best prices and favorite brands for you.  The groceries are billed to your room and the service is free.

FREE BREAKFAST

Different hotels offer different incentives.  Our favorite freebie is breakfast, for a couple of reasons.

• Obvious is the savings.  Think about how much money you spend at IHOP every  morning when you’re on vacation.  At a free breakfast buffet you will find all kinds of eggs, breakfast meat, bread and pastries, oatmeal, cereal, fruit, and specialty items.
• the bonus is the timing. I don’t know about you, but we all wake up at different times and we’re usually starving.  It is so nice just to run downstairs and meet up for the breakfast buffet in our jammies, rather than having to wait until we’re all up and showered and ready for the day before we get to eat.

So while planning your vacation and considering your budget, think about the food available to you at the parks.  OVERPRICED pretzels, corn dogs, hamburgers, hot dogs, spaghetti, and chicken dinners.  Pizza delivered or ordered from the hotel is very costly, too.  Now think about a kitchen stocked with bread, lunch meat, pb&j, fruits, nuts, milk, cereal, and snacks.  You can come back to the room for lunch and a nap or pack snacks to nibble when you’re out for the day. And when you get home late at night, famished from swimming all day you have all the goodies you need to avoid overspending at the convenience store or room service.   It will be easier on your wallet and your tummy.

How do you save money on vacation?

Well I guess I have ranted and raved about cars and the auto industry enough that I got someone’s attention.  Maybe not that of the President, the media, or any industry big wigs that intend to make any changes based on my wisdom.  But somebody does want me to mention their website on my blog.  I am double happy to do so since I just happened to have had a automobile post in the hopper waiting to be published.  Topic: Family cars.  Question: What do you drive?

If you read me much you know a few things about me.  I am married, have 2 adopted children, I have a husband who works for the auto industry, I’m a realtor &  freelance writer, and I bleed red, white, maize, blue, and Chrysler.  (I am a U of M football fan, a patriot, and a big fan of Chrysler products.)  Since becoming a family I have driven a Chrysler Pacifica, Jeep Commander, and the current Jeep Cherokee Laredo.  But I have found a non Chrysler car that I am crazy about and think I would enjoy driving my family around in.

I think the Ford Flex is the hottest car I’ve seen on the road in a long time.  The Chrysler 300 has been my “wow” car for a long time.  It’s sophisticated and beautiful but not my idea of a family mobile.  Our scratched doors and coke stained interior would take away from the classiness I think.  The Ford Flex, however, is more versatile.  It is as family-ish as any wagon, and as fun & youthful as the Honda Element or that nasty Scion.

Speaking of the Scion… can someone tell me WHY in the name of one nation under God you would buy a Toyota ANYTHING when you have so many better choices?  For instance,  if you have a Scion tc I believe it is your responsibility as an American to go to your local dealer tomorrow and trade it for a Ford Focus.  Equally youthful appearance, BETTER comfort, and lower price.

Now I’m not so naive and idealistic to say that we should all buy American, but why buy foreign when there is an American comparison?  Some things, though, simply have no replacements.  The VW bug is a good example, or the Mini Cooper.  If you’ve had a thing for Ferrari all your life, you’re not likely to be satisfied by any substitute.  Same for Porsche.  With the exception of a handful of exotic originals, though, you can find an American vehicle that satisfies your taste and wallet.  Even the super cool Audi s5 could be replaced by the muscle heavy Dodge Challenger, with a much smaller price tag to boot!

Of course we all know the ultimate family car is the Dodge Caravan or Town and Country and there is no substitute for those!  But that Ford Flex is really close…

What do you drive now?  What would you drive your family around in if money were not an issue?

I am so grateful for your readership and all the yellow flowers spinning on my map, but I have a problem.  I am being attacked by some crazy spammer sending hundreds of comments per day.  I would love to approve them all so that I look like I am really popular but it’s obvious they are all from the same bone head and they all say variations of the same thing! I don’t feel good about getting credit for that.  So I’ve only been able to scan, skim, and peek before I delete and I know I have deleted some of your good comments in the process.  I don’t feel good about that either so I have started going through them a little at a time, hunting for the real readers.  Forgive me if it takes a long time to moderate your comments, I really do appreciate them. 

Happy weekend!  Enjoy this video on me!  15 month old Paisley can simply not start her day without seeing an Adam Lambert performance on Mom’s IPHONE.  “A-dam! A-dam”  She even gives him a big smooch at the end. Paisley and I have a lot in common!

Guess what I am doing in November!  Nope.  Enjoying a long weekend at a spa resort in Arizona! Yay me!  No, the blogging business does not pay that well BUT I have a dear friend with a time share who includes me in her relaxation plans each year.  I am not sure which I get more excited about, the luxurious bathrooms or heavenly massage treatments.

In real life on a daily basis, I despise shower time.  The hot water runs out when I’m shaving my legs and it takes way too long to dry my hair and get fancied up.  But on vacation, free of schedule and responsibility, I could spend all day in the bathroom where the glass encased showers and multi head Grohe faucets are as beautiful to behold as any exhibit or attraction in town.

Even so, of course the massage treatments are by far superior to singing in the shower, even when the shower is bigger than my bedroom at home.  I am already stressing about which treatment I want, though.  Good thing I’m getting a massage!

Spa treatments are really pricey so I have to make some hard decisions.  Last year I wanted to try acupuncture, I’m all out of balance I’m just sure of it,  but chickened out.  Have you ever tried it?  There is also one called craniosacral that focuses on chronic head and back pain.  I’m all about that. I don’t care at all about the facial/mani/pedi stuff… but what the sugar scrubs, the hydro treatments and exfoliating spray tan?!  Somebody help me!

Everyone please share your spa experiences with me… what treatments did you love and which ones didn’t you love? Would you do them again or try something new?

What does your kid want to be when he grows up?

My husband and I struggle with our son’s future every day.  He’s 13.  To us, all his interests seem… dumb.  Immature.  Headed to loserville-ish.  That’s terrible right?  Because then we catch ourselves thinking only “in the box”.  Maybe he will design video games one day … or be involved in software development.  Maybe he’ll write comic books.  I wonder if Stan Lee’s parents were supportive of his art?  Just think what the world would be like if Stan Lee’s father had squashed his dream… A world without Spiderman? It doesn’t even seem possible.

So how do you know when your kid is headed toward ground breaking originality and success?  Or eating 3 day old pizza found in the cushions while playing HALO with his roommates?

We’re trying to remove all the negativity and encourage him toward what he loves while also pointing out career and life options that take advantage of his strengths.  But I also found a website that you might find helpful.  At kids.gov you will find a nice, user friendly site that matches up kids interests with possible career paths.  It even gives guidance on preparing for the jobs and how much they pay.

I’m super excited because it helps us all open our minds beyond the traditional jobs that first come to mind, and familiarize us with paths geared toward our child’s specific interests.  What unique skills and interest does your child have and how do you think it will serve his or her future?

The majority of my stats & research revolve around moms and women in general, but I don’t think I’d have to convince anyone that men suffer from sleep issues and lagging energy the next day just as frequently as women.  I do.  My husband does.  My son can’t get to sleep at night.  We all have different solutions.

My daughter is the sleep queen!  She will be in he middle of a Zac Efron movie at 9:00 on a Saturday night, decide she’s tired and say, “Well Guys, I’m turning in. Somebody dvr the rest of the show for me. Goodnight.”  She will be asleep before I make it to her room to tuck her in.  She has no struggle, no burdened mind keeping her up.  It relaxes me to see her so peaceful and I actually sleep easier if I crawl in bed with her.  Supernanny would not approve of that technique, though, I don’t suppose.

I actually took a sleep test some years back.  This is a really cool experience.  It wasn’t totally comfortable being tangled up in wires, but very interesting.  We learned that my limbs are very active while I sleep and that the activity actually wakes me up several times through the night, preventing me from getting fully rested, resulting in feeling tired throughout the day.  This plus the “creepy crawly” sensation in my legs that I described added up to a diagnosis of RLS for me.  (restless legs syndrome).  There is a medication for it and it improved my comfort and sleep quality over night.  The best part is once I started getting more sleep and felt better throughout the day, I needed less caffeine.  I had energy for exercise and I became motivated to eat more healthy.  Less caffeine and a healthier lifestyle eliminated the need for the leg medicine!  I still have the creepy crawlies at times, but nowhere near what I did and I am never interrupted in the night.

My son has a mad case of ADHD.  He cannot FALL asleep at night, but once he gets there, he sleeps heavy and he could sleep until noon if his schedule and surroundings allowed it.  We are experimenting with foods for him, as well as morning wake up times, but something we found that works for now is meditation.  There is a sleep cd for kids we have called SLEEP JOURNEY where this relaxing voice guides you trough a peaceful adventure and then off to sleep.  That’s definitely something to look into if you have a child who has trouble falling to sleep.

Now  Hubby has all kinds of issues and needs a sleep test more than anyone I know.  He gets got, he gets cold.  His nose stops up.  He snores.  He NEVER dreams.  And he is grouchy and in desperate need of naps every day.  (Believe me, we ALL need him to get his naps) :-)  I found this quiz for him to take since I can’t get him to go to the doctor for it.  I took it first and it was dead on!  It diagnosed me with RLS and something called Carcadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder.  I haven’t had time to research it yet, but it involves light therapy. I am still trying to get a sleep number bed, though, so I might tell Hubby that it is part of therapy, too.   Sounds nice.

Three different sleep issues in the same household.  What are your symptoms?  Sleep patterns?  Here is the link to the quiz.  Take it and see what you’ve got going on.  You might be surprised how easy it is to fix and how close you are to getting a good night’s sleep!

You know what’s awesome?  When someone gives you jewelry on THEIR birthday!  Can you think of anything more wonderful?

Did you know I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring a couple years ago?  I did.  And we never replaced it.  Initially it was due to the cost and we had to budget it in.  Then I saw the movie BLOOD DIAMOND and found myself in a predicament of not wanting to replace it at all.  So for the last year or so I have been sporting a gorgeous $5 hunk of faux diamond from Target.  I get compliments on it all the time, it is so big and beautiful, and I can’t help from giggling and saying, “It’s fake!”  Still, it doesn’t feel “special.”

We were up north at the cabin, as usual, for Memorial Weekend which also happens to be Mama Mar’s birthday.  SHE surprised ME with something wonderful… a ring my Dad had given to her, to replace my lost circle of love.  It has a blue sapphire instead of a diamond at the center.  It does have small diamonds around it, so it would not meet Leo diCaprio standards BUT it has lots of love built in it from Dad to Mama Mar to me, and that trumped my anti-diamond crusade.

Mama Mar’s ring is definitely the best gift I’ve ever gotten for someone else’s birthday.  What’s yours?