I was cleaning out the closet the other day and found our camcorder. It was way in the back of the closet being neglected. Just like my photo albums. When we first became parents we took a lot of pictures. It was easy because I had a couple of great cameras for work, my parents got us an easy to use camcorder, and the kids were small and somewhat easy to contain. They also loved hamming it up for pictures.

Cut to today. Cameras have water damage. Thank you kids.  Camcorder has some kind of sticky damage. Thank you again kids. I have a cell phone that takes pretty great pictures but the kids don’t like having their pictures taken anymore! Plus they’re hard to keep up with and not so “contained” at 12 and 16 as they were at 3 and 7. My dog, though? He loves to have his picture taken. And he is small and since his favorite position is laying down at my feet, he is easy to keep up with. If you look at my cell phone images or browse my Facebook, it looks like I have an out of priority affection for my Schnorkie but I promise that’s not the case. I love them all equally. Hehe. But like I said, Hobo is just easier to capture in the lens.

I have been thinking about getting a new camera, though. What kind of Mom has no camera or scrap books? One that got frazzled for a spell. Then was broke for a spell. i’m still broke but I did just get a second job. Yay! So I can at least THINK about replacing some of the things that have been lost, broken and ruined during the child rearing process.

Parenting in a recession has taught me a lot of good shopping habits. Going to the mall and ordering from manufacturers online has been replaced by finding gently used, bulk, and overstock items. It’s absolutely thrilling finding insane deals at places like nomorerack.com and Overstock. Nomorerack actually has a pretty good deal on a digital camera today. The deals come and go quickly and this one likely will not be available when I am ready to buy, but I am confident there will be another one to replace it.

As for the camcorder in the closet – Hubs is cleaning it up and hopefully we will get that up and running again soon. I am becoming a little embarrassed by all the pictures of my sweet amazing schnorkie. Wanna see one?

My kids are twelve and sixteen now and they still love climbing on things. I keep waiting for them to outgrow it because it makes me so nervous. My daughter has always played on top of slides and playground equipment, rather than utilize the swings, rings, and actual functions, and my son has taken to jumping off the top of the swings and over the trampoline net to land on the trampoline.  The “what ifs” in those scenarios run rampant through my mind. My Mom was a “what iffer” and I hated it. I cannot believe I have become one!

I have vivid memories of being just like my daughter and the favorite parts of my swingset not being the “toy” parts, but rather the connecting and load bearing bars and poles. Hanging, swinging, and climbing along those were the best part! I imagined I was a gymnast in the Olympics. I did fall down on occasion and get scraped up, but thanks to companies like Rubbercycle, kids today have it a little easier.

I have noticed recycled rubber mulch around commercial type play areas before but didn’t realize that its usage goes beyond school playground safety. I didn’t pay much attention to what it was or consider that I could have it at my house too!

I have seen people landscape their playscape areas with traditional mulch and I thought that was pretty fancy. The grass around the swings and slides see so much traffic that anything looks better than bare spots worn in the grass. It also makes mowing easier. We have to move the trampoline all over the yard to mow and prevent grass dying underneath. Playground mulch makes such good sense. Rubber mulch is a bonus!

Not only is the ground covered, more attractive,  and easier to maintain, but it provides more cushion for the kids. Is it going to protect my kid when she falls down from tight rope walking across the top beam of the swing set? No. But I suppose that’s where the “parent supervision” part comes into play.  But for protecting knees and elbows and faces from the normal wear and tear associated with playground playing, it’s great! AND the bonus bonus is that it’s environmentally responsible, made from recycled tires!

I wish I could say that “the dangers” of playing on jungle gyms was my only “what if” habit. But it’s not. It has spread from what they eat, where they go, who they hang out with, what they watch on television, the video games, and worst of all – going to school. “What if she spends her lunch money on cake?” “What if the kids pick on her?” “What if she tells her teacher how much I swear at home?”  … So many scenarios! Sigh. I don’t know.

My son turned it around on me one day. Whatever the situation was I can’t remember, but when I over reacted with “what if?” He said, “You’re right Ma. Let’s think about this. “What if?” I don’t know if I simply had a brain freeze from having it turned on me and put on the spot or what – but I really couldn’t think of any consequences that bad. Or that likely. It was like the time he made me realize that my default answer to everything was, “No.” I don’t like letting him know he makes a good point here and there. I don’t need a power shift at this point! He’s already getting taller and bigger than me. I need to maintain SOME ground here!

What every day stuff do you worry about most with your kids? What kind of lessons have your children taught you?

You know, no matter how good you eat or how well you live your life, sometimes things just don’t turn out the way you planned them. Girls are programmed from birth that regardless of whatever else they achieve in their lifetime, their biggest accomplishment is marriage and motherhood. When something gets in the way of that it can be devastating to a young woman’s psyche. I know because I’ve been there.

Working to my favor is the fact that the getting married and having babies bug never bit me. I had nothing against getting married, I just didn’t see it as my life’s goal and I thought big lavish weddings were silly. I announced at an early age, “Ma, I am going to elope one day and adopt children that nobody else wants.” And that’s exactly what happened. But as it turned out, I couldn’t have have had my own children naturally, even if I had wanted.

After I graduated high school my Mom took me to the doctor to have some things checked out that she found suspicious. After several appointments, tests, and surgery the verdict was in – No uterus. No kids. With every fiber of my being I did not care that I was not going to be having any babies. But I was devastated that I COULDN’T, if that makes sense. Because even though I had escaped society’s notion that I should want to have children, I still had value placed on the ABILITY to do so as part of her strength and worth. I felt different, and incomplete, and defective.

Even though I didn’t want to have a baby at all – my passion revolved around older children who were having difficulty getting placement because of their ages – I had nightmares for a month about being trapped in the loft of an abandoned barn. I could hear a baby crying but I couldn’t find my way to it.  Because the rational, “sensible” side of me knew that I didn’t want to have kids, I decided I was fine, ignored the nightmares and depression, and declined any counseling. I didn’t realize I was suffering inside until much later when things started taking a toll. I am 42 now and I still suffer with negative self worth and my completeness as a woman and mother.

The practical, activist side of me gets upset with women who have trouble getting pregnant yet continue to pursue expensive alternative methods. I cannot figure out why a person would spend all that money and go up against egg donation risks or the drama of a surrogate when there are already countless children who need families and good mothers desperately. I criticized a lot when I was in my thirties. But along with reaching the top of the hill, forties does bring some kind of wisdom. And when I look at the toll not being able to have children has taken on me, someone who didn’t even want to have babies, I can only imagine the magnification of the impact on someone who spent their whole life dreaming of it. To them, egg donation risks are just part of the deal. When you want something bad enough you don’t see road blocks – only speed bumps.

Sometimes I look at my forties and cry, “Where is all the wisdom I was looking forward to? The exhales?! The inner peace and such?!” When I quiet down long enough I realize it’s there. It’s in the subtle changes of attitude and opinion that I didn’t even realize I had until the subject comes forward. It is in the ability to see the trees through the forest, and realize that nothing is final or over or the end of the world, until you’re dead. Everything else you can manage.

I do have a regret though. I wish I had come to all this understanding a little earlier because I just found out that the payment for donating eggs is about $6,000 but you have to be between the ages of 21 and 30 to participate. Dang it! 

I love Saturday Night Live. I completely get that it’s satire and it’s meant in fun, but do you ever think that the Powers that Be over there know how influential they can be? They made a complete mockery out of George Bush and clearly took sides during the last presidential election. I know people are smart enough to draw their own opinions, but could they be swayed one way or another without even knowing it?

I don’t really have time to get into how deep that could go today. Why did I even start it? I was just looking at my phone whose battery meter is dead. It’s always dead. I love my Motorola phones, don’t get me wrong,  But the Motorola batteries have been causing me stress for the last few years. I usually blame myself – saying that I leave the internet open too long or something. But then there was this skit on SNL this weekend.

The skit was based on a verizon commercial talking about – and confusing people with – all the different Verizon phones and options. At the end someone asked what happens if the phone gets wet and the sales guy said that it instantly dies. I laughed – it was a real “it’s funny cus it’s true!” moment. But then I applied it to real life and today’s phones – for all the fancy stuff they can do – are fragile little things! Which got me thinking – I should not take the blame for USING a product the way it was intended. The fact that it’s dying so quickly could be the fault of batteries whose technology has not yet caught up with that of the phone.

So that’s my new theory. I try to have one on something every week. What do you think?

The sk

I was talking a couple of weeks ago about how I always grow unhappy with my house in the early weeks and months following Christmas. As all the holiday decorations get put away and my activity slows down a little and am in the position to sit still for periods of time, I see all these things I don’t like. Worn out spots, grimey spots, outdated spots. And my mind quickly goes to all the beautiful shiny new housewares I saw when I was out Christmas shopping; Things that I didn’t really register at the time because I was on a mission and focused on other things, but obviously I took note of them on some level because they start to flood my mind. A hundred household items, big and small, start nagging me and making me feel bad about what I already have. I try to ignore it and not make any choices or changes during this time because I know it’s an irrational impulsive thing. I might do a tiny bit of work to my son’s room though.

My son’s room, which was not too long ago the envy of my daughter, now looks like a barracks. He has been grounded from everything, leaving it looking extremely bare. He’s also been hospitalized and is still in a healing/recovery mode, so for his safety and ours there are a lot of things he just can’t have in his room. Add to that my husband’s refusal to put any color in the house besides white carpet and white walls and you’ve got one stark ugly bedroom. So I’m studying it and looking online at sample bedrooms and such and I discover how much impact is made by comforters, pillows, a valance, and switch plate covers. I already framed and hung his baseball jerseys and put up some shelves with some memorabilia. And I’m thinking about hanging his snow board strategically in the room which would give a big burst of life to the room AND provide a functional convenient place to keep the big over powering thing

Do you find the once you get in the right mindset you start having ideas and realize you have a lot of solutions right in front you that don’t cost a lot of money? Do you have any good tips for fast cheap decorating updates?

Do you know that there is a statistic that says 75% of people suffer from mild chronic dehydration daily? Finding that out was a real eye opener to me because so many people, myself included, complain of lacking in energy and needing a boost. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know that I don’t drink water at all. Hm. I wonder why I’m so tired every day! I know I need to drink more but why don’t I?

Two thirds of our body make up is water. It is common knowledge that we should drink 8 glasses of water to maintain good health. Over the years I believe this philosophy has become so identified with the area of diet and weight loss that people forget that it’s just plain essential for good health. I know I did.

I used to carry a water bottle with me everywhere and drank at least a gallon of water per day. It was easy to do when I had a 9 to 5 office job with a schedule and a routine. It should be easy too, working at home with everything I need to eat and drink healthy at my fingertips but it’s the structure that’s missing. I need to make a priority of fixing this.

So okay. I’m ready to drink more water. Why’s it gotta be so hard, though?! The water coming out of my tap is filled with chemicals. Bottled water is bad for the environment and we are not supposed to use those bottles over again. We can BUY reusable water bottles to be kinder to the universe, but we still need to buy the water filtration pitcher and THEN oh my goodness have you seen the price of the filters?  I have a Brita pitcher which I love. I just put in my last filter. I lucked into a pack of them that were in a clearance bin somewhere, otherwise I might have been still using the last – outdated – one. Look – I know that clean healthy water is one of the biggest priorities I have. But what makes me mad is that clean water should not be so difficult to access. Just like clean, organic food, it makes me mad that I have to pay for something that the earth once supplied in its cleanest healthiest form.

Guess what I found out today. That those water filters that attach to your faucet are super affordable. Duh. Why don’t I have one of these? It solves all the problems – clean, convenient, and affordable. You can even find discounts online if you shop around or grab a  pur water filteration coupon code.

Okay. I’m all set now. How about you? How do you purify your water?

I’m in a mood again. I hate my house and I think I’m beginning to see a pattern. I blame the holidays. Over the last few years I have not only shopped less, but I simply don’t go anywhere. It’s easier to not be depressed over what you don’t have if you don’t know what you’re missing, right? But then Christmas comes along and I am forced to go out. Maybe it’s to pick up a few presents for family members or maybe it’s to take my kids to the mall to use their gift cards. While I’m out there, I see stuff. I see beautiful clean fluffy towels, comfy looking modern furniture, whimsical plate patterns and glassware, and so on. I don’t realize it at the time, or even know that I am aware of these things at the time. But later it gets me.

Some time after Christmas has passed, like maybe exactly one month, I start looking at things with disdain. My living room furniture is 15 years old. It lacks luster and is not really comfy anymore. Faded, tattered linens. Broken up mismatched drinking glasses. Pffft. And there is always something that really stands out. Fortunately last year the thing that bothered me was a simple fix. I finally went on a mission to find – and found – the perfect plaque in the perfect colors with the perfect saying – to  replace a clock I took down in the kitchen. Also – the rug and shower curtain in the guest bathroom. I know these aren’t major purchases financially – but I am very particular about what I want and I won’t settle until I find it. So I still love how my guest bathroom looks except now – a year after the new curtain and rug, and a month after being out shopping, the sink has become an eyesore to me. Uh oh.

Shower curtain / rug combo – easy. Vessel sink / vessel sink faucets combo – super duper not easy.

I cannot complain about my house really. It was new when we bought it in 1997 and its neutralness maintained its timeliness. But it is starting to seem dated to me as decor has evolved dramatically over the last several years. I always intended to change all the Formica counter tops but now I just want to rip everything out and start over. The vessel sinks are not really that expensive. The vessel faucet actually costs more than the sink. Then there’s the cabinet or pedestal, though. Now I’m into big dollar. More than any of my Christmas and Birthday money can help. But that’s okay. Now that I realize the pattern and where these feelings are coming from, I think if I wait it out, they will pass until there’s room in the budget for bigger projects. Maybe for now I can get some towels that aren’t torn or bleach stained. That would make me happy too.

Post Christmas Shopping Dysfunction. Did I just invent something new or have you experienced it too?