Category Archives: Family and Parenting

My Sister Is Pretty Cool but Don’t Tell Anyone

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My son is 16 now and given the choice would rather put on a pair of Rayban sunglasses, separate from the family and blend in with nearby strangers than be caught hanging out with us out in public. Us being Dad, Sister, and me. And that’s okay, I completely remember being embarrassed to go certain places with my family. In all our struggles to become a family I never really worried about “what to expect” with regards to the child – patient relationship. The sibling relationship was a different story, though. I can clearly remember the day a few years ago that I realized that everything was okay in that relationship too…

I am an only child and before my kids I had no insight whatsoever into sibling rivalry. After being subjected to Drew and Sari’s nonstop bickering I foolishly decided that brothers and sisters at that age just don’t like each other. I reminded them that family is to be treasured and that they need to look out for one another. I resigned to waiting it out until they figured it out. Until I found the note.

One day after the kids went to school I was cleaning Drew’s bedroom and I found some dollars on the floor. When I picked up his clear acrylic bank I saw a torn piece of notebook paper folded neatly and stuffed down the slot. Like any good Mother I popped out the rubber stopper and retrieved the paper. It said, “Don’t tell anybody but I really do love my sister. She is pretty cool.”

My heart was warmed! Drew had always blamed Sari for their situation because it was after her birth that they were removed from their biological home when he was 5 and put into the foster care system. I worried that his aggression toward her went beyond sibling rivalry and into someplace deep and sad. It may have in the beginning and may resurface in the future, but here was hope that he really did cherish her.

Not sure what the proper thing to do was, I shared with Drew that I read his note. I feel it is my job to snoop and be aware of everything in my kid’s lives, I don’t feel bad about that, but I thought I should let him know. I asked him if it was true that he was developing a soft spot for her. Unsure of what to expect, I was surprised and a little tickled when he said, “Yeah, it’s true Ma. You know, she’s just a little kid still. She doesn’t know how dumb she is.”

That was just about the sweetest thing I had ever heard. Do you remember how old you were before you stopped detesting your sibling?

The Power of Bad Choices and the Addictions that Bind Us

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This is not a post about drug addicts. Or any other addicts. It’s about a lifestyle – health connection. And in my mind I keep relating it to drug addicts but it would take too long to properly connect it all in one post. So I will preface this post by saying that it’s choppy and jumpy. And that you will never hear me pass judgment on anyone who can’t stop doing something they should stop doing, because even though I have never tried a single drug in my life, I can relate to people who have and have difficulty stopping. 

I do not feel “good” today. I don’t mean because I have a sinus infection. I mean that IN GENERAL, these days I do not feel good. I have aches and pains inside and outside of my body. I’m tired a lot. And if I don’t take my supplements I am a cranky, moody, hot tempered version of myself that I don’t even recognize. I don’t have to feel this way, but I guess I choose to.

See, I know what feeling good feels like! I have been in tip top, feel good, almost in another dimension physical, mental, and spiritual shape. I could wear whatever I wanted. Eat whatever I wanted. Had a glowing smooth complexion and didn’t wear make up. I could see and hear things before they happened and feel the vibrations of everything living around me. But I didn’t understand HOW good it was. I knew I exercised more and ate better than most people but I thought that was just the secret to my great abs. I just assumed that all the other stuff was normal. That my expensive skincare products were taking good care of my skin and that everyone could meditate and have an open mind and connection with the universe. Wrong.

You know how I know it’s wrong? Because I feel so bad now. Even using the expensive skincare products and believing and knowing “the secrets” of the universe – My skin is still blotchy and it’s a wonder I can touch my toes – forget about any earth energy or vibrations! Ever since I adopted my kids and immediately lost track of my nutritional beliefs, I gradually transformed from a happy, optimistic, energetic, healthy person to an unhealthy, sore, grouchy, tired one. Turns out the food we feed our kids is not really healthy. Macaroni and cheese does not rid my body of toxins or improve the flow of my chi. Cap’n Crunch does not provide long lasting energy and mental focus to make the most of my day.

This morning I had a piece of frosted crust cherry bread with jet puff on it for breakfast. I don’t even LIKE that kind of food. But it’s here and it’s cheap and it’s easy. It was on the clearance rack at Kroger and was half the price of the bagels. I’m really busy at work this week because I couldn’t get work done while the kids were off school for Christmas. Jet puffed bread took no time to make and no time to eat. Perfect. Not. Did I even consider the calories in that mess before I ate it? The fat, the carbs, the cholesterol, THE SUGAR?! It’s all I can think about now! No, I sure didn’t think about any of that. Just made another bad choice.

Now understand, I am not simply talking about weight management here. Although I’m sure extra weight is a factor in some of the aches, pains, and sluggishness. I’m talking about overall functionality of the mind – body machine. I need a tune up. I know you know what I mean.

Getting from there to here I have had time to experiment. For instance, for years I continued with pricey beauty regimens but the condition of my skin continued to decline. When I returned to different versions of my healthy lifestyle for very short periods of time – things got better. My skin glowed. My hair got thicker and prettier. And I had less pain. Fewer headaches. But every time I made those changes – I changed back. And the poor health returned.

Instead of making a commitment to living well I yo yo diet and pump myself up with supplements. I know that I can treat a migraine drug free, but it’s so much easier to pop Advil. I can’t fit into my dancing pants anymore, but who cares? I don’t go out dancing anyway.

I know that eating more natural and leaner foods will make me healthier, happier, and more successful in every aspect of life. I also know that my present lifestyle, though not necessarily life threatening, is holding me back and will shave years off my life. I have known this for 5 years – and still haven’t changed.

So you see? I too am making bad choices every day that affect my health, my life, and the existence of people around me who depend on me. But nobody judges me as harshly as a drug addict who really only made ONE bad choice – to try drugs – and got hooked. I adopted an easy unhealthy lifestyle because life got hard and I was looking for shortcuts. That’s a big factor in addiction. So why is the drug addicted mom judged so harshly? I understand that the outcome of her actions may be more severe. But the path she took to get there likely took no more heinous action that taken by you or me in any bad choice we have ever made. But the glue of her addiction is an infinite amount stronger than whatever has a hold on you or me.

Take a minute to think about your vices and bad habits. Have you tried to quit? Why haven’t you been successful? And what about the food you eat? Do you always make the right choices?

 

 

 

Happy Ghoulday!

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Big plans for Halloween this year at our house! You may have heard me complaining that we haven’t had a summer vacation in a couple of years. And you like will again. We didn’t even go to Mackinac Island or Cedar Point which is always our back up plan when we can’t swing other things. BUT that’s about to change.

Although Cedar Point’s regular season is closed, HALLOWEEKENDS is in full force. Sarah’s birthday is November 1st and she’s been wanting to go there for her birthday for years, but from what I can tell the experience is pretty scary so I have been hesitate to do it. I think this is the year though.

With all the attention given to Andrew this year, first for his negative behavior, then the summer spent in treatment, Poor Sarah has been like a ghost. Not getting a lot of attention from us, and no one asking about her. Everyone asking about Andrew. She withdrew, her posture changed, her speech pattern changed, her attitude & behavior… but she seems to be bouncing back. I’ve been flooding her with good attention and been real hard on her for the crap she’s been trying to pull that she thought she would get away with because she knows I am swimming in guilt right now for neglecting her. So cunning, my kids! Anyway, some spooky Cedar Point might be just what the doctor ordered for her – and all of us! We definitely need a get away.

I am still concerned that the PG-13 theme might be a little twisted for her 12 year old mind, though. But on the plus side I won’t have to buy Halloween costumes or send out birthday invitations. So I’m calling it a wash.

Have you ever been to Cedar Point over Halloween? Do your kids like scary stuff?

Dodging the Teen Driving Bullet

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I dodged a bullet this summer. I actually feel a little guilt being happy about it, considering the circumstances, but I just wasn’t ready for it. Driver’s Training is what I’m talking about.

My son is 15 and should have taken driver’s training this summer. You might have read that we had a challenging summer with him, though, and we neither had time, nor was he in the right mind set, to take the course. That means he won’t be driving when he is 16 which is unfortunate for him. But considering he will be 16 in a few months – Uh… that’s awesome! Because there is no way that boy is ready to be behind the wheel of a car.

He is doing fantastic by the way! And maybe if now were the beginning of summer and he had this current incredible attitude, he probably would be taking driver’s training. Then I would just have all the normal stuff to worry about. … him staying focused, not getting lost, figuring out a car for him, buying car insurance and roadside assistance, where he’s going, and with whom he’s going… and so on.  It’s funny. As summer approached and I thought about all these things I got really upset and worried. But now – it sounds kind of fun. I just realized my whole attitude has changed on the matter. This is testimony to how great he is doing since being released from the treatment programs and settling back into life. I’m still not crazy about all the meds but we will get to that in time. For now he is getting A’s at school, helping his little sister with homework, and smiling all day.

You know what? I’m glad  I got my kid back to enjoy for a little while before he gets his license and starts running around with his friends. Is that bad?

Sassy Pants First Day of Middle School

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Well – Sassy Pants went off to middle school today and my mind has been on overdrive. I am glad school is back in session. My sanity has really been tested this summer. Lots of drama and no vacation equals insomnia, anxiety, twitching, snapping, and under eye baggage. “School” on the surface is a good thing. I’ve sent my daughter off to her first day of middle school to get educated and socialized. But when you dig deeper, school is not so great. It is filled with young people making bad choices and being mean to one another. Cliques. Mean girls. Bad teachers. Stress. Vending machines. What have I done?

I should add that Sari has only ever had exceptional teachers. But I know bad ones are out there and I was letting my hysteria run its course.

My Sari is an individual. Which I like. But she also has low self esteem which makes her a follower sometimes and vulnerable to the backlash she will get for not liking the same clothes and music as the other girls. She gets lonely and wishes to be more accepted but she doesn’t want to pretend to be something she is not in order for that to happen. I get it. I really really do. I love her sassiness and uniqueness, but I want people to be nice to her. Even the ones who suck and would judge her for being different than them. I don’t want her to feel lonely.

Sassy Pants is very against labels. I once attempted to start a discussion about a guy we saw downtown. He had white contacts in and some crazy monster movie hair. I wasn’t judging at all – I sincerely wondered if he was in character for something or if this was his every day look. Pantsy threw a fit and told me she was disappointed to see me being judgmental.

With the same curiosity, though, I asked her, “What would you call your look?” I got the usual – you can’t put me in a box response. I told her I wanted to understand it better so that I could confidently pick up clothes and accessories if I’m out and see a good deal on something she’d like. She said “fine then. I am skate punk rock emo goth artist.” Okay then. Shopping just… got… easier?

Although it was true that I wanted to understand what she liked so that I could help her perfect her look,  I also wanted to try and understand how SHE saw herself so that I could keep a look out for any red flags. All the black clothes and her appreciation of creepy music and scary movies, even though her demeanor is for the most part cheerful and sunny, has me on alert for potential trouble down the road.

No I absolutely do not think that all emo kids are cutters or that all goths want to commit suicide. I had similar tastes when I was a kid. And I think some of her looks are really cute. I actually got her to pair a plaid skirt with a graphic tee shirt – to add a little femininity to what she’s got going on – and she surprised herself by loving it. But I also know that, alternative scene of the moment aside, adopted kids and kids who have suffered trauma are prone to depression and dark periods. As a parent I want to be as aware as I can of what’s going on with her and how she’s feeling. I don’t intend to ever try to “change” her as she comes of age and tries to figure out who she is, where she fits in, and why other families didn’t want her. But I’ll be there to guide her, listen, and be a safety net as she blossoms. I’m not expecting the worst by any means, but my eyes are wide open.

Unfortunately society isn’t as kind. I know that I have sent her off to school today where many of her girly girlfriends from last year will snub her today. They started calling her “goth” at the end of last year as her pink and purples changed to dark colors and skateboard styles.

I read an article today about kids and goths and such. A commentor said that he would rather see a “knocked up teenager” in school than any kind of alternative kid. His explanation was that the pregnant teenager represented the beginning of a new life, while the goth/emo/etc. kid was ruining hers. It occurred to me then… Is it more socially acceptable to be pregnant in school, or even a mean girl, than it is to be artistic and different?

And I know Sari. She will get in the car smiling and say, “Great!” when I ask her how school was, because she wants me to be happy. Then she will cry it out in the night and start fresh and hopeful the next day.

I suppose I do sound kind of negative as I read this back. But she has been subject to some pretty intense bullying the last couple of years, and that was just based on her unique views of the world when she was still a little pink and girly. Middle school, for better or worse, is a bigger place, and she’ll have access to more diversity. Right? This is a good thing I think. It’s almost time to pick her. up. I’m excited!

If you could look back and label yourself by today’s buzz words, what would you be? Prep? Skate punk? Emo? Goth? Scene? Nerdy? How did you fit in?

Swimming in My Thoughts Today

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I can’t believe summer is almost over. It has flown by for us – and not necessarily because we have been having fun. Because we haven’t. Between the rapid decline in my Father In Law’s health and the recent bipolar diagnosis of my Son, it’s been more hectic than anything else. My Daughter is already looking forward to school. I wish we had a pool so that  when vacation plans don’t pan out or there is no time to go to the lake, we could still cool off from the scorching hot Michigan sun, and relax and have some fun together.

I always wanted a pool when I was a kid. Every year my Mom said, “next year we are getting a pool.” I believe she thought so, and that she and my Dad really wanted to, but the commitment kept them hesitating. When you’re a kid you don’t think about chemicals, pumps, and pool liners. You just think about splashing, diving, and floating. I didn’t get that then, but I do now. As much as I would love to take a dip with the kids every day and know what an impact it would make on the premature summer boredom, I still hesitate.

At $15 to $25,000 as an average cost for an inground pool like we want, cost is definitely a deterrent, especially because we never intended to be in this house for so long. But with the current real estate market and our upside down value, we are not going anywhere too soon, so we have deleted that fact from the minus column. Even so, we can’t help but question the common sense in taking on a new bill in a recession, especially when we have been so affected – as an autoworker and real estate agent. Even just the operating costs, whether for an inground or above ground pool, would cause a little discomfort right now, so ultimately, that’s the reason we are sans swimming pool, I guess. Maybe next year.

I can’t help but wonder, though, if the enjoyment of the pool would outweigh the burden of cost. Pool owners – what do you have to say about that? I have been told that if you want to get a pool next year you should start shopping at the end of this year because pool companies negotiate more and savings could be a bundle. Now I’m confused all over again. :)

To Blog or Not to Blog- That is the Family Dilemma.

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Alright. I’ve had it. This writer’s block is 50% distraction and 50% unsure how to handle sensitive family matters and the privacy of my loved ones. And I’m sick of it.

I started the year out by going on sabbatical from work and contemplating quitting that job and focusing on writing full time. The sabbatical ended up being a shit storm of anything but quiet contemplative time. I made my decision, though, to work for myself. I still love that decision. However. I don’t respect myself as a boss. Otherwise, why would my new writing career have gotten off to such a slow start?

In February I was officially a freelancer. And at the same time I also started selling V3 because I went crazy for the focus it gave me to be disciplined and focused on writing while sitting alone in the house all day surrounded by TV, books, laundry, a puppy, and chips & cheese.  And also because I wanted the discount =)  You know what else happened in February? Kidney stones. Tons of them. I was sick for a day, then in the hospital a couple days, then had a stone busting procedure followed by more sick days and more doctor appointments. I finally gave up following up. I knew I had a piece left cramped up in my left side but I was over all the doctoring. So I left it until it finally worked itself loose and tortured me for one final time last week. Now. Could I get up and around and do laundry and such during that time? Yes. But the days broken up between doctor appointments, as well as the pain and pain medicine, hindered my writing process. It made sense at the time, and had I picked up right after that and gotten productive I wouldn’t be so hard on myself thinking back on February. But the truth is, I could have worked more than I did. If I had still been working for D.O.C. or Dr. Foote I would have been back to work the next day. Sure I might have passed out in the bathroom or fallen asleep in the middle of my sentence back in my eyeglass days, but I never neglected to show up and do my best.

On the heels of kidney stone February was cancer March. Something new came up in my Father In Law’s condition every other day. He was in and out of the hospital every couple of days. When there wasn’t a decision to be made, a task to perform, or a pep talk to give, there was just quiet time to dwell. “Working for the man” would have been a blessing at that time because all I did, when I wasn’t doing, was cry. I couldn’t write each day about the topic at hand because I couldn’t get past “My Father in Law has cancer and we had a bad day.” Until I wrote that, nothing else would come. But I refused to write it. As if putting it out there would have made it more real and harder to deal with. When in fact, writing about it would have likely been very helpful to me. Maybe to somebody else, as well. And definitely to my bank account. Those bills continue to add up even when you’re distracted and grieving. Looking back it’s so easy to see how just a little writing each day would have eased the burden on my mind during the crisis and on my financial situation in the aftermath.

Sigh.

So here it is August and I should be well on my way to having a big fat pile of assignments again, even after losing so many clients during the cancer period. But guess what. After almost 2 months of erratic behavior my Son was diagnosed bipolar last week and is in a partial hospitalization day treatment program for risk assessment and anger management. And I haven’t written about it.I have a family blog and have not written word one about our situation today and how we got here.  Partially because I have been so distracted that I can’t focus on anything else. Partially because my son is 15 now and there is a chance that people he knows may stumble upon this blog. Here’s the deal though…

  • Life is full of distractions! Everybody has them, yet they go to work and manage their obligations. The world doesn’t stop moving, and neither can we. Allowing myself to stop and dwell has set me back in depression recovery from the breakdown of ’08 and created more stress in getting behind in bills and other responsibilities. Withdrawing from friends and social situations has robbed me of support from girlfriends and the opportunity to create fun, happy, healing situations to balance out the tough ones.
  • Writing is therapeutic. And I’m a writer! Internalizing things is dangerous for me. Also, leading into summer I redefined Her Family Blog and set up new blogging topic schedules. I did that for all my blogs actually, to make them more honest and informative. But how can I achieve that if I continue to censor myself?
I was wishing the other day that I had maintained anonymity with this blog so that I could do and say the things I want to say without worrying about the privacy of my kids. But then it was suggested to me that I simply ASK them how they feel about it. After some thought and discussion we decided “it’s just life.”  And whether we’re dealing with experimenting with new medications to treat bipolar disorder or experimenting with new hairstyles or homework techniques, they are just “happenings” in life. They “happen” to everyone. And although I may give my own deepest darkest thoughts and feelings, I don’t give theirs.
Because it’s not THEIR Family Blog. It’s HER Family Blog. And the HER is ME.
So it appears I’ve been given the green light as long as I share from MY perspective and not give out pieces of my kid’s thoughts and feelings without permission. That makes sense and I love that they helped me define my goals here and work through my writer’s block. They are smart kids. I’m sure we all share that perspective =)

Prioritize Thy Self

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Hey Ladies! Have you done your workout yet today? No? Then quit reading right now and pound that treadmill. I’ll meet you back here in 30!  Otherwise you will have a less fabulous and less than productive day. Here are the top ten reasons for taking care of yourself and the top ten ill effects of not.

BENEFITS OF BEING FIT, HEALTHY, AND NOT IGNORED
• Better sleep and earlier to rise which adds more valuable hours to your day
• More energy to avoid crashing in the afternoon, interfering with the day’s obligations.
• Less aches and pains, increased strength and flexibility
• Happier
• Increased swimsuit confidence to enjoy beach and water parks with kids
• Clear skin and more youthful appearance
• More focused on the many tasks to be completed at work and at home
• Being a healthy role model for your kids
• Feeling sexy and improved relationship with spouse
• People respect you when YOU respect you

DISADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

(better make sure you have a variety of life insurance types in place because this road leads to less vibrant and long lasting life.)
• Low energy and need for frequent naps
• Decreased production
• Aches and pains
• Stiffness and lack of flexibility
• Aged skin and overall appearance
• Swimsuit fear and missed fun in the sun time with kids
• Lack of confidence which effects everything negatively
• Lower performance at work
• Tendency to draw away from people
• You’re teaching your daughter a pattern of not taking care of HER self.

 

As parents we often feel guilty to put our needs above anyone else’s, when, in fact, the best way we can take care of those around us and meet all their needs IS to first meet our own needs so we have the power and resources to take care of everyone else.  So what will it be today… Turbo Jam?  Or Hip Hop Abs?

Growing Happy Kids

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I joke a lot about how wild my kids are and how my Hubby is a ManChild. (A nickname lovingly bestowed upon him by my Dad who TRULY couldn’t love him more if he was his own son.) And although it is true that marriage and parenthood brought out a crankiness in me that I never knew existed, there is not a move I make on this earth that does not have the sole purpose at the root to maintain a happy house and grow happy kids.

A few examples would include

• When I accept another job it is not to further my career or get rich. It is to enrich my household in the form of summer vacation, extra curricular programs for the kids, movies at the IMAX (guilty pleasure), or extra spending after hours spent at Barnes & Noble devouring the shelves and filling our arms, and using our Target coupons to fill a shopping cart with paper and art supplies.
• When I begin yet another diet it is no longer to try and look good in a swimsuit. It is to have the energy to play ball and jump on the trampoline with my kids and to restore my confidence so that they don’t have to miss out on beach time because I am insecure.
• When I talk about my Mother, and tell the kids how she would have doted on them and spoiled them and hardly ever let them out of her sight if she’d had the opportunity to meet them before she passed, it is no longer to console me for needing her to help me be a good mom. But to make them feel the crazy love and specialness that every kid should feel.
• When I wake up Saturday morning and make the chore charts for the weekend that is SOOOO for me! But the bonus is it benefits them too and gives them a sense of independence and accomplishment.

The difficult part of this, for Moms in particular, is the danger of sacrificing everything that it is important to them on behalf of the family. Being a learn-it-the-hard-way sort, I went down this path and it is brutal and has the opposite affect of the desired outcome. My journey has taught me that I can put my kids above all else and still have some joy for myself. I mean look at my list, by thinking of my kids first, I actually have some pretty cool stuff put in place for me!

At tough times we might catch ourselves thinking our kids are ungrateful and supremely self centered. But in my experience, sacrificing to the point of near martyrdom did nothing to make my kids happy. It wasn’t until I figured out how to prioritize all four of us that my kids really started to blossom.

Which brings us full circle and proves that even by making time and allowing a few spoils for myself, I do so with the sole purpose of growing happy kids.

So Ladies, if you aren’t spoiling yourself at all, I am here to tell you that you are doing your family a disservice. And if you are spoiling yourself, Dish! What’s your favorite treat?!

Mom the Business Manager

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It takes a lot of work and organization to run a business. The same goes for running a household. The task has become more complicated as parents each work more hours, the amount of kids homework has increased, and children take part in so many activities. It takes a lot to pull it all together. It’s a lot like running a business so write it down, get organized, and treat your household obligations the same as your work ones.

MANAGING THE STAFF
Sibling rivalry can get out of hand. Mom has to keep it under control and try to nurture a civil relationship between brothers and sisters.

DELEGATING
If Dad is working all day and Mom is working all day, who does the chores? Everybody. Mom divvies up the jobs and assigns them appropriately. Even Dad gets a chore list – this is how we make sure that everything gets done and we don’t duplicate. Ending up with two coach gifts and no token of appreciation for the teacher at Christmas time is going to result in stress for somebody as they scurry to make it right. So work together, Mom and Dad. Some great jobs for kids are maintaining the kitchen trash can, loading and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning bathroom mirrors and counter tops, dusting, and vacuuming. All easy stuff but they will grumble nonetheless. Delegating is not enough. The manager has to make sure it all gets done!

SCHEDULING
There are too many activities which need to be coordinated around Mom’s and Dad’s schedules. Here are just a few.
• Transportation needs to be arranged to get kids to and from school
• Play dates
• Sports and school activities
• Dentist and Doctor appointments for the family
• Holidays
• Outings

PROFIT SHARING AND BONUSES
No one is better at handing out rewards than Mom! Whether it is an ice cream sandwich after organizing the toys together in the garage or a trip to the movies just because, Mom is a great motivator.

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING
Some companies have gotten creative lately and designed planner systems and date books that accommodate Mom’s work schedule and home schedule so that she can see everything expected of her at a glance. Writing everything down and keeping track of what needs to be done to keep your house running smoothly is what makes the difference between and over worked, stressed out Mom who’s struggling to stay afloat, and an over worked, less stressed and in control Mom who is on top of everything. Which one are you!?