Sassy Pants First Day of Middle School

Posted on September 6, 2011 by cin

Well – Sassy Pants went off to middle school today and my mind has been on overdrive. I am glad school is back in session. My sanity has really been tested this summer. Lots of drama and no vacation equals insomnia, anxiety, twitching, snapping, and under eye baggage. “School” on the surface is a good thing. I’ve sent my daughter off to her first day of middle school to get educated and socialized. But when you dig deeper, school is not so great. It is filled with young people making bad choices and being mean to one another. Cliques. Mean girls. Bad teachers. Stress. Vending machines. What have I done?

I should add that Sari has only ever had exceptional teachers. But I know bad ones are out there and I was letting my hysteria run its course.

My Sari is an individual. Which I like. But she also has low self esteem which makes her a follower sometimes and vulnerable to the backlash she will get for not liking the same clothes and music as the other girls. She gets lonely and wishes to be more accepted but she doesn’t want to pretend to be something she is not in order for that to happen. I get it. I really really do. I love her sassiness and uniqueness, but I want people to be nice to her. Even the ones who suck and would judge her for being different than them. I don’t want her to feel lonely.

Sassy Pants is very against labels. I once attempted to start a discussion about a guy we saw downtown. He had white contacts in and some crazy monster movie hair. I wasn’t judging at all – I sincerely wondered if he was in character for something or if this was his every day look. Pantsy threw a fit and told me she was disappointed to see me being judgmental.

With the same curiosity, though, I asked her, “What would you call your look?” I got the usual – you can’t put me in a box response. I told her I wanted to understand it better so that I could confidently pick up clothes and accessories if I’m out and see a good deal on something she’d like. She said “fine then. I am skate punk rock emo goth artist.” Okay then. Shopping just… got… easier?

Although it was true that I wanted to understand what she liked so that I could help her perfect her look, I also wanted to try and understand how SHE saw herself so that I could keep a look out for any red flags. All the black clothes and her appreciation of creepy music and scary movies, even though her demeanor is for the most part cheerful and sunny, has me on alert for potential trouble down the road.

No I absolutely do not think that all emo kids are cutters or that all goths want to commit suicide. I had similar tastes when I was a kid. And I think some of her looks are really cute. I actually got her to pair a plaid skirt with a graphic tee shirt – to add a little femininity to what she’s got going on – and she surprised herself by loving it. But I also know that, alternative scene of the moment aside, adopted kids and kids who have suffered trauma are prone to depression and dark periods. As a parent I want to be as aware as I can of what’s going on with her and how she’s feeling. I don’t intend to ever try to “change” her as she comes of age and tries to figure out who she is, where she fits in, and why other families didn’t want her. But I’ll be there to guide her, listen, and be a safety net as she blossoms. I’m not expecting the worst by any means, but my eyes are wide open.

Unfortunately society isn’t as kind. I know that I have sent her off to school today where many of her girly girlfriends from last year will snub her today. They started calling her “goth” at the end of last year as her pink and purples changed to dark colors and skateboard styles.

I read an article today about kids and goths and such. A commentor said that he would rather see a “knocked up teenager” in school than any kind of alternative kid. His explanation was that the pregnant teenager represented the beginning of a new life, while the goth/emo/etc. kid was ruining hers. It occurred to me then… Is it more socially acceptable to be pregnant in school, or even a mean girl, than it is to be artistic and different?

And I know Sari. She will get in the car smiling and say, “Great!” when I ask her how school was, because she wants me to be happy. Then she will cry it out in the night and start fresh and hopeful the next day.

I suppose I do sound kind of negative as I read this back. But she has been subject to some pretty intense bullying the last couple of years, and that was just based on her unique views of the world when she was still a little pink and girly. Middle school, for better or worse, is a bigger place, and she’ll have access to more diversity. Right? This is a good thing I think. It’s almost time to pick her. up. I’m excited!

If you could look back and label yourself by today’s buzz words, what would you be? Prep? Skate punk? Emo? Goth? Scene? Nerdy? How did you fit in?

To Blog or Not to Blog- That is the Family Dilemma.

Posted on August 10, 2011 by cin

Alright. I’ve had it. This writer’s block is 50% distraction and 50% unsure how to handle sensitive family matters and the privacy of my loved ones. And I’m sick of it.

I started the year out by going on sabbatical from work and contemplating quitting that job and focusing on writing full time. The sabbatical ended up being a shit storm of anything but quiet contemplative time. I made my decision, though, to work for myself. I still love that decision. However. I don’t respect myself as a boss. Otherwise, why would my new writing career have gotten off to such a slow start?

In February I was officially a freelancer. And at the same time I also started selling V3 because I went crazy for the focus it gave me to be disciplined and focused on writing while sitting alone in the house all day surrounded by TV, books, laundry, a puppy, and chips & cheese. And also because I wanted the discount =) You know what else happened in February? Kidney stones. Tons of them. I was sick for a day, then in the hospital a couple days, then had a stone busting procedure followed by more sick days and more doctor appointments. I finally gave up following up. I knew I had a piece left cramped up in my left side but I was over all the doctoring. So I left it until it finally worked itself loose and tortured me for one final time last week. Now. Could I get up and around and do laundry and such during that time? Yes. But the days broken up between doctor appointments, as well as the pain and pain medicine, hindered my writing process. It made sense at the time, and had I picked up right after that and gotten productive I wouldn’t be so hard on myself thinking back on February. But the truth is, I could have worked more than I did. If I had still been working for D.O.C. or Dr. Foote I would have been back to work the next day. Sure I might have passed out in the bathroom or fallen asleep in the middle of my sentence back in my eyeglass days, but I never neglected to show up and do my best.

On the heels of kidney stone February was cancer March. Something new came up in my Father In Law’s condition every other day. He was in and out of the hospital every couple of days. When there wasn’t a decision to be made, a task to perform, or a pep talk to give, there was just quiet time to dwell. “Working for the man” would have been a blessing at that time because all I did, when I wasn’t doing, was cry. I couldn’t write each day about the topic at hand because I couldn’t get past “My Father in Law has cancer and we had a bad day.” Until I wrote that, nothing else would come. But I refused to write it. As if putting it out there would have made it more real and harder to deal with. When in fact, writing about it would have likely been very helpful to me. Maybe to somebody else, as well. And definitely to my bank account. Those bills continue to add up even when you’re distracted and grieving. Looking back it’s so easy to see how just a little writing each day would have eased the burden on my mind during the crisis and on my financial situation in the aftermath.

Sigh.

So here it is August and I should be well on my way to having a big fat pile of assignments again, even after losing so many clients during the cancer period. But guess what. After almost 2 months of erratic behavior my Son was diagnosed bipolar last week and is in a partial hospitalization day treatment program for risk assessment and anger management. And I haven’t written about it.I have a family blog and have not written word one about our situation today and how we got here. Partially because I have been so distracted that I can’t focus on anything else. Partially because my son is 15 now and there is a chance that people he knows may stumble upon this blog. Here’s the deal though…

Life is full of distractions! Everybody has them, yet they go to work and manage their obligations. The world doesn’t stop moving, and neither can we. Allowing myself to stop and dwell has set me back in depression recovery from the breakdown of ’08 and created more stress in getting behind in bills and other responsibilities. Withdrawing from friends and social situations has robbed me of support from girlfriends and the opportunity to create fun, happy, healing situations to balance out the tough ones.
Writing is therapeutic. And I’m a writer! Internalizing things is dangerous for me. Also, leading into summer I redefined Her Family Blog and set up new blogging topic schedules. I did that for all my blogs actually, to make them more honest and informative. But how can I achieve that if I continue to censor myself?

I was wishing the other day that I had maintained anonymity with this blog so that I could do and say the things I want to say without worrying about the privacy of my kids. But then it was suggested to me that I simply ASK them how they feel about it. After some thought and discussion we decided “it’s just life.” And whether we’re dealing with experimenting with new medications to treat bipolar disorder or experimenting with new hairstyles or homework techniques, they are just “happenings” in life. They “happen” to everyone. And although I may give my own deepest darkest thoughts and feelings, I don’t give theirs.

Because it’s not THEIR Family Blog. It’s HER Family Blog. And the HER is ME.

So it appears I’ve been given the green light as long as I share from MY perspective and not give out pieces of my kid’s thoughts and feelings without permission. That makes sense and I love that they helped me define my goals here and work through my writer’s block. They are smart kids. I’m sure we all share that perspective =)

A Cleaner House for ADHD

Posted on March 15, 2011 by cin

I have thoughts sometimes, do you? I mean really good ones, ground breaking life changing thoughts – that I don’t take the time to organize and allow to flourish. Usually those thoughts are neglected because MORE brilliance pops into my head, pushing those first thoughts aside. Such is the cycle of the brilliant mind, I guess. I ain’t sure. :) I have been thinking a lot lately about ADHD and school performance, together and separately, and this morning I had some fresh ideas about a connection between a clean house and a kid’s performance at school. Follow me for a minute…

What’s good for the ADHD is also good for the Non- ADHD

I have two kids with severe ADHD so I am always looking for ways to make their lives more comfortable and manageable. That’s why a lot of my parenting thoughts involve ADHD discussion. But all ADHD is – is the inability to focus which leads to a host of problems and challenges. But doesn’t EVERY kid have difficulty focusing to a degree? Keep that in mind when reading ADHD tips and strategies because a lot of it is common, ordinary info that could help any child perform better at school and beyond. All kids can use some help staying on task from time to time, right? Agreed. Moving on.

The relationship between sleep and behavior

It kills me the number of parents who do not value sleep quality when it comes to helping their kids succeed. How do YOU feel when you don’t get enough sleep? How do you treat people and perform at work? How’s your focus? I already know the answer – NOT GOOD.

An adult only requires 7-9 hours of sleep at night to achieve maximum performance. But don’t take that into account where your children are concerned. A high schooler needs 8.5 to 9.5 hours of sleep and an elementary student needs 9 to 11 to rest & recharge their minds and bodies for the next day. When they don’t get the required sleep, guess what – they don’t feel good, they’re short tempered, and they can’t focus. Sound familiar? This is the case for any child, but the effects are multiplied for the ADHD kid whose brain does not have a proper functioning focus control center. So can we all agree at this point that kids are affected by the amount of sleep they get? Good. Moving on again.

Factors that affect good sleep

We agree that kids need a certain amount of sleep to thrive. So if we count hours backward from the time they have to get up for school to the number of hours of sleep they need, we should be all set? We probably think so. But there are environmental factors you may not be aware of that are preventing your child from getting quality sleep. Think about yourself. Do you sleep better when your room is clean and free of distraction? Or do you feel a little bothered by messes and unfinished business? Children are no different.

In addition to a cluttered environment, kids can be disturbed from sleep by improper breathing in the night. Have you ever had a sleep test? I did. I was semi awakened frequently all through the night by limb twitches and trouble breathing, but I was never aware of it. And as far as my kids go – it’s no big thing for them to have sniffles in the morning when they wake up. But this could be affecting their sleep in the night, couldn’t it?

Allergies, Sleep Quality, and Behavior

So let’s pull it all together. Even on their best days, kids are a little distracted. When they don’t get enough sleep at night they don’t have good control of themselves the next day. The number of hours a kid sleeps is not enough. We need to make sure they’re getting good quality sleep. Good quality sleep is best achieved through a tidy, pleasant environment and good uninterrupted breathing. So far so good. But how do we get them to breathe better at night? Keep their environment free of dust and other allergens. Regardless of allergies, everybody sneezes in the presence of dust. So in addition to having your kids put away their clothes and toys before bed , have them dust around their sleeping area every night. Get allergy bedding if you notice your kids have the sniffles in the morning. And wash bedding regularly.

Clean pillow cases may not immediately come to mind as an aid in combating symptoms of ADHD, but if we already know that kids behavior is affected by sleep – it is an easy connection to make. And although kids might not know they aren’t sleeping well through the night, or be able to identify what is disturbing them during their slumber, it is up to us to make sure they CONSISTENTLY have a clean, tranquil, distraction free environment to sleep restfully in every night. With all the homework, quizzes, and activities kids are involved in today, just one night of sleep trouble could wreak all kinds of havoc on a kid’s day.

So what do you think about my theory? Have you tried any sleep strategies or noticed any of these patterns yourself?

Getting Sick and Losing Weight

Posted on October 26, 2009 by cin

This is a train of thought from my own little mind today, there is no medical basis or research that I have pursued to support it whatsoever. It has to do with dieting during cold and flu season.

It’s a common joke people make. “I lost 6 pounds since I had the flu. Yay! I need to get sick more often!” I have made that comment myself, and maybe AFTERWARD there is some truth to my words, but I know that DURING the illness, especially the miserable sick feeling that accompanies the never ending vomiting, my mind set is more like, “Please make it stop! I’ll absorb 20 pounds straight to my ass if you will just please for the love of God make. it. stop.”

I don’t think I have ever heard the topic flip flopped though. I have heard people say they feel like they get sick more often when dieting, but not so much, “Dieting gave me the flu.” No, that doesn’t even make sense, right? Or does it?

First of all, “Diet” is a weird word. It has a bad connotation. A lot of times people don’t want to admit they are on a diet. You may want your kids to be more active and trim some fat but you don’t want it to be said that you put them on a “diet”. But diet really just means whatever it is that you eat. A diet can consist of salad and cottage cheese or it could consist of pizza and beer. It does not necessarily go hand in hand with an attempt at weight loss.

How this relates to my cold/flu & weight loss ramblings today is although it may not immediately occur to you that trying to lose weight could increase your risk of getting sick during cold and flu season, it is actually health 101. So basic we kind of forget about it. Here’s what I’m thinking.

You are very likely to come into contact with contagious sick germs, right? And the stronger and healthier your body is to begin with dictates your likelihood of getting sick. So naturally if you are practicing some sort of starvation diet, your body, although it may be getting skinnier, is not going to be at its peak health to fight those germ bugs off. You already know that starvation diets are unhealthy and ultimately result in weight gain. Well also by not eating a balanced diet, or not eating at all, you are robbing your body of antioxidants and vitamins that good fresh food provides. This poor nutritional quality of diet will make your body very weak, increasing your susceptibility to all the bugs you come into contact with during the cold and flu season.

Now this is not to say that you cannot attempt to improve your level of health and fitness, and lose weight during the winter months. Increase your activity and decrease your food intake! Go for it! But make sure you are eating ENOUGH and that you are loading up good healthy foods like fruits, vegetables, and lean meats. With this “diet” you can lose some weight, get healthy, AND build a stronger body to carry you through to Spring.

In summary, I declare there is truth to the notion that trying to lose weight during the cold and flu season can make you sick. What do you think?

Kid Proofing with Baby Gates

Posted on September 2, 2009 by cin

babygate You know what one of the biggest distractions for me is when I am out showing houses? Baby gates! Isn’t that funny? I skipped the whole baby and toddler stage with my kids so when I am in a kid proofed house I get completely distracted. For one thing because I am amazed by how clever some things are, and for another because I get frustrated by inability to work the work the dang gadgets!

I have been embarrassed on more than one occasion when I couldn’t get upstairs to the next part of the tour of a house and had to ask the potential buyer to get the stairway gate open.

There is a website called KidSafeInc.com that offers everything you need to keep your kids and even your pets safe and where they need to be. If you’re into social media like me you can follow them on Facebook, Twitter, You Tube, and the KidSafe Blog

Feeling Sluggish? Take a Sleep Quiz.

Posted on June 2, 2009 by cin

The majority of my stats & research revolve around moms and women in general, but I don’t think I’d have to convince anyone that men suffer from sleep issues and lagging energy the next day just as frequently as women. I do. My husband does. My son can’t get to sleep at night. We all have different solutions.

My daughter is the sleep queen! She will be in he middle of a Zac Efron movie at 9:00 on a Saturday night, decide she’s tired and say, “Well Guys, I’m turning in. Somebody dvr the rest of the show for me. Goodnight.” She will be asleep before I make it to her room to tuck her in. She has no struggle, no burdened mind keeping her up. It relaxes me to see her so peaceful and I actually sleep easier if I crawl in bed with her. Supernanny would not approve of that technique, though, I don’t suppose.

I actually took a sleep test some years back. This is a really cool experience. It wasn’t totally comfortable being tangled up in wires, but very interesting. We learned that my limbs are very active while I sleep and that the activity actually wakes me up several times through the night, preventing me from getting fully rested, resulting in feeling tired throughout the day. This plus the “creepy crawly” sensation in my legs that I described added up to a diagnosis of RLS for me. (restless legs syndrome). There is a medication for it and it improved my comfort and sleep quality over night. The best part is once I started getting more sleep and felt better throughout the day, I needed less caffeine. I had energy for exercise and I became motivated to eat more healthy. Less caffeine and a healthier lifestyle eliminated the need for the leg medicine! I still have the creepy crawlies at times, but nowhere near what I did and I am never interrupted in the night.

My son has a mad case of ADHD. He cannot FALL asleep at night, but once he gets there, he sleeps heavy and he could sleep until noon if his schedule and surroundings allowed it. We are experimenting with foods for him, as well as morning wake up times, but something we found that works for now is meditation. There is a sleep cd for kids we have called SLEEP JOURNEY where this relaxing voice guides you trough a peaceful adventure and then off to sleep. That’s definitely something to look into if you have a child who has trouble falling to sleep.

Now Hubby has all kinds of issues and needs a sleep test more than anyone I know. He gets got, he gets cold. His nose stops up. He snores. He NEVER dreams. And he is grouchy and in desperate need of naps every day. (Believe me, we ALL need him to get his naps) I found this quiz for him to take since I can’t get him to go to the doctor for it. I took it first and it was dead on! It diagnosed me with RLS and something called Carcadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder. I haven’t had time to research it yet, but it involves light therapy. I am still trying to get a sleep number bed, though, so I might tell Hubby that it is part of therapy, too. Sounds nice.

Three different sleep issues in the same household. What are your symptoms? Sleep patterns? Here is the link to the quiz. Take it and see what you’ve got going on. You might be surprised how easy it is to fix and how close you are to getting a good night’s sleep!

Lunch Time Challenges

Posted on August 27, 2008 by cin

How can you be sure your kids are getting the proper nutrition throughout the day when you send them off to school? As they get older no one checks to make sure they’re eating anymore. They could be flushing their sandwiches down the toilet for fun and giving their pudding to a girl they want to impress. Nobody cares. I am so glad for school to start back up and for all the relief that this time of year brings. But now it’s time to worry about a whole new set of issues. Eating lunch is a big concern for me. Why do I get so upset and what am I going to do about it? I am glad you asked!

My Son is 12 and he weighs 62 lbs. He’s down from 64 lbs at his last physical. My Daughter is 8 and in the 90th percentile at 78lbs. There is only an inch difference in height between them, despite the 4 years.

My Daughter loves lunch time. She has been crazy about it ever since the first day of kindergarten when she kept interrupting the teacher asking if it was lunch time because she was real excited about busting out her new Scooby Doo lunch box. She buys the lunch and, until I put restrictions on her account, bought many of the “quarter extras” available to her such as cookies, cake, ice cream, Sunny Delight, etc. At the elementary level there are no long lines to wait and plenty of time to enjoy all her food.

Middle School, however, is different. The lines are long and the time is short. My Son complains that if he waits in line for a hot lunch he barely has time to eat it, much less socialize afterward. Sometimes he grabs something small like a pretzel out of the snack line but the problem is his ADHD medicine is in full effect around the lunch hour not only keeping him focused but killing his appetite. He is not hungry so there is just no motivation to eat. He is too anxious to find an open chess table and a willing opponent.

The answer is simple, right? Make cold lunches. I got to a point last year, though, where I thought “if he isn’t eating anyway, it is wasteful to make him lunch”. Plus I was more rattled last year in general and probably looking for an excuse remove “pack lunches” from my daily routine. So I filled up his account with money assuming he would eat when he was hungry. Like that old attitude, “it ain’t gonna kill him to miss a meal. If he’s hungry he’ll wait it line.”

Bad Mom.

Obviously it is hurting him because he is losing weight rather than gaining. So cold lunch it is. It is also time to customize their lunches. Maybe I wrong to ever be feeding them matching lunches, considering their difference in age. But the similarity in their size through me off, I guess.

So how do I ensure that he eats his lunch at school? Realize that I can’t and come up with a plan for getting in the daily necessities.

Our doctor’s appointment was a great lead into a dialogue about eating in general. She told him that he is almost 13 years old and he looks like he is 8. (Yikes! Harsh! We usually AVOID those comments!) She went on to make it clear to him that he is as small as he is not because he is meant to be but because he chooses to be.

The Langston Food Summit of 2008 was eye opening and productive.

We identified that he is most hungry first thing in the morning and ravenous at night. Duh! He skimps on lunch and his meds are worn off by late afternoon. He is up all night snacking on the wrong things and tearing up the kitchen. We came up with a simple and encouraging plan.

Have a bigger breakfast but don’t simply overindulge on multiple bowls of sugary cereal. Add a piece of fruit, boiled egg, and raisin toast. (these are from his suggested foods)
Pack a small, simple lunch of things that are fast and easy to eat so that he is more likely to eat while socializing, even though he isn’t hungry. He said he would love celery sticks and peanut butter, a granola bar, and a Slim Jim or something similar. Sounds more like a snack than a meal right? That’s okay. It is more than he was eating before and it really is just a snack. Read on.
Enjoy a big family dinner. He is a great eater at dinner time, devouring a big salad and pasta or the like. We eat early because Hubby gets home at 3 or 4pm which is great because having not had much lunch, my Son is usually famished by this time as meds have worn off a bit.
Here’s our secret weapon. A fourth meal around 7pm. This is usually the time everyone gets a scoop of ice cream or mini ice cream sandwich if homework is done and attitudes are good. He will still get that reward of course, but first he will have a can of Chef Boyardee and a cucumber or something similar.

I love Chef Boyardee and mac & cheese and all those convenient dinner helpers now that I serve them as the side dish to big salads and crunchy veggie main courses. For better or worse, this combination is satisfying to him so he can stop snacking and I can close the kitchen at 8:30 and be confident it will not be covered in peanut butter, jelly, toast crumbs, with feet marks on the counters, when I get up in the morning.

I came to see that I was worrying too much about this one meal of the day that I couldn’t control and decided to turn it into a somewhat balanced snack. I have plenty of time after school to make sure he gets his proper nutritional allowances for the day.

As for my Daughter, I received a call that first day of kindergarten being notified that after a morning filled of interrupting the class asking, “is it time yet?” she suddenly disappeared. She was found underneath her desk with her lunch spread out like a picnic, enjoying. Things have never really changed.

I hope I was able to get you thinking about ways to solve your eating challenges at home and lunch time. I would love to hear more tips from all of you, too. So if you have any favorite strategies, please share!

Thanks to a la corey at Flickr for the hot lunch photo!

More Listening, Less Worry

Posted on July 1, 2008 by cin

Sometimes we forget that our kids have concerns just like we do. No, they don’t have to pay bills or manage a household, in their world things like grades and peer acceptance carry just as much weight. It is our job to make them feel safe and ease those troubling thoughts.

Common worries

grades
tough teachers
being bullied or teased
social acceptance
peer pressure
performance in team sports
global issues (global warming, planet, war, etc.)

Make time to listen and offer support, no matter how silly the troubles may seem

My Son worries a lot. So far he has not been able to pinpoint his troubles but he talks about having butterflies and nervousness frequently. The last month has been particularly stressful for him. Through nonchalantly inquiring into his day and how different things make him feel, I am sure his worry is centered around grades. We had a bad year this year and he desperately wanted those final grades to be an improvement. Add to that the excitement and pressure of being on a little league team that was leading in the play offs and you can see where things might have been feeling a little heavy for him.

My Daughter has an easier time identifying her worries. She has not expressed the butterflies or other anxiety sypmtoms but she does go quiet sometimes and it is obvious that something is on her mind. Almost every time I ask her about she says something like, “I am just so worried about global warming,” or “What are we going to do about the Polar Bears losing their homes and starving?”

Even though I am a bit of a tree hugger myself, I don’t really approve of all that heaviness being put on my 8 year old. They are so impressionable and connected with animals and nature at that age. I love that they are teaching responsibility and care for the planet, but they should lighten up. In her case the best action I have come up with is to let her talk it out and express her concerns. I assure her there a teams of folks out there protecting those animals or the planet or whatever and that she has no need to worry, that she need just keep doing her part to treat the planet right. We also discuss different career choices for her (if the rockstar thing doesn’t work out, of cours ) where she can work to make a difference herself.

Whether the worries are as close as the classroom or that of global issues, be sure to let your child express his concerns. Above all, make sure they feel safe, secure, and understood.

Offering to help study for that big math test, or assisting in an electricity saving project (or something similar which relates to your child’s worries)

Can you think of any others? And how do you feel about the heavy and graphic environmental issues our youngest ones are being exposed to?